Maybe we have all occasionally experienced, or at least worried a bit about, the irritating affliction known as ‘baker’s block’ (Latin: ‘capitis caputus’).
A condition much akin to writer's block, it can seemingly pluck all those brilliantly half-baked ideas you had five minutes ago right out of your
head, and replace them instantly with cotton wool, candy floss and a curious hollow whistling noise (that might also be the sound of the sea).
Perhaps it crops up at any age or experience level: certainly to me, the ‘newbie - who? - half - sous - (choux) - chef’; and maybe even the odd time right through and up to the seasoned - mistress - halfbaker - (& - super - duper - caterer) her noble elf.
Often caused by the over-consumption of half-baked confectionary from thb’s own vast chiller cabinets (go to [idea:search] and type, well, anything), symptoms of baker’s block typically seem to begin at first with a sudden inability to come up with any idea remotely original enough to be quarter-bakeable at all. Anno-phobias, or even the more severe MFD-phobias, may manifest themelves (“what if it’s been done before / what if they hate me / what if i smell of mackerel after?” etc). If these last long, inevitable bouts of depression and tearing of hair can also set in as further complications, often with the slurred mutterings of: “got nothing... how can compete... too many... everything done... nooo! not you too vagina jam (wail)" etc.
Deeper, more serious side-effects can also include staring into space, drooling, dilated pupils; difficulty with letting go of your office mouse or desk leg. Irrational, high energy outbursts are also common: say, random scribblings of van-der-graaf-newton-cradle designs on wallpaper with crayons, or the compulsive repeated clicking of ‘[idea:random]’ and the ensuing slavvering wolf-like ‘devumption’ (devouring / consumption?) of whatever moist and tantalising snack appears before the reader/sufferer, complete from header to footer with every tender juicy morsel of annotation in between, mmm, yes... custard and all. Mmm. And then repeating the frenzied process over and over... and over.
When it’s the third time you’ve read the exact same ‘random’ idea in [idea:random]... you know you may need some help.
Fortunately help is at hand! Your Bakers Block™ could be there to cure this very affliction in your own home today!
Similar in almost every way to a butcher’s block, the hefty two foot thick slab of solid sugar-maple is self-standing on sturdy legs and will look every bit the talking point in any office. Or kitchen. Wherever... only you will know it’s not for butchering, but for blocking baker’s block.
How? Simply bang your head repeatedly against your Bakers Block. That’s it, keep going... until that cool, clear unconsiousness wafts relaxingly over you. In the morning when you wake up, you’ll have forgotten everything that happened, and thus will have a free clear mind ready to start half-baking those warm fresh ideas in that empty oven of a brain all over again. And a good night’s sleep (at last!) to boot.
Your Bakers Block comes with full instructions, organised neatly upside down and on the underneath. After all, this will be the first thing you see when you do come round, slumped as you are under it on the floor. There are also handy pre-fill-in sections for your name, birthdate, address and of course, your HB username and password, so you can start baking straight away no matter how bad the amnesia/concussion.
So all’s well that ends well. Apart, of course, from the slightly bumpy ride you’ll get for coming up with that “magic button that mends my computer” idea all over again. Well, there’s no such thing as the perfect cure, but hey it’s a start, ok.
Ok right. So, where was I? Oh, umm... where do I work again?