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It's middle of the night in the Canadian Rockies and you
wake up to crunching branches and the unmistakable
sound
of a large grizzly bear sniffing around your tent.
Seconds
later as the grizzly crashes through the thin fabric of
your
tent, you sigh with relief. You are safely tucked
in your
cocoon like anti bear sleeping bag. The worst part of
this
whole experience is the sound of your camping
neighbor's
skull being crushed by the bear's jaws. You will never
forget that sound. (the neighbor forgot to bring his anti
bear sleeping bag).
Features:
- Soft and downy on the inside. Impenetrable, bite and
gash resistant kevlar on the outside.
- There are cajan pepper filled pouches in strategic
locations. As the bear tries to bite and claw at the
sleeping bag, the pepper poweder is released. As the
bear sniffs around the beast inhales it
into its sensitive snout. This will cause it to cease
further attempts at
opening your sleeping bag.
- (optional) Ear plugs and/or a pre-popped popcorn as an
emergency snack
Zebra Snuggie
http://www.ebay.com...01040399340?lpid=82
Just get a bear snuggie [blissmiss, Apr 16 2014]
Batesville Casket Company
https://www.batesville.com/
I actually interviewed there once as an engineer. Talk about creepy. [RayfordSteele, Apr 16 2014]
Bear-proof autonomous vehicle
Bear-proof_20autonomous_20vehicle
Shameless elf-promotion [8th of 7, Jan 08 2021]
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Objection one: Is there an even better category? |
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Objection two: Wasn't there a man who made a bear proof suit? This sleeping bag is going to weigh a ton and not be very comfortable to sleep in. |
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Objection three: What protects you from pepper inhalation? Oh, and I inadvertently trained a dog to like Cajun cooking attempting to wean him off of chewing expensive horse tack in this manner. |
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But my vote pending further input. |
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1) moved to product:camping |
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2) you would not want to sleep in a bear proof suit
would you? This anti bear sleeping bag is soft and
cozy on the inside. Too heavy? That sounds
familiar. That's exactly what the camping
neighbror was complaining about when I asked him
why he didn't pack his anti bear sleeping bag. Look
at him now.. his head is ripped off! |
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3) didn't think that one through. I enjoy spicy
stuff so the thought of a bit of chili getting into
my sleeping bag didn't bother me, but I can see
that it might bother other people. Still, beats
having your head ripped off! If you really want,
maybe this sleeping bag can come with emergency
snorkel like tube that you extend during the
attack for fresh air supply. Bear learning to enjoy
spicy stuff? I doubt it - it could happen I guess.
You'll still be safe. The bear will move on
eventually. |
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Let me guess, it comes in three sizes? |
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// Impenetrable, bite and gash resistant kevlar on the
outside // |
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Fair enough, but it's not crush-proof. The bear won't be
able to bite your leg off, but he'll still break your femure.
Also, when grizzlies find an impenetrable container filled
with something yummy, they tend to bat it around for a
while and lap up whatever drizzles out. |
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What about a bear-like Snuggie. Then the bear will
think you are a bear, and leave you alone. Or try and
mate with you, depending on whether you are
having a good or bad day, I guess. |
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Is this the point where I mention the NMRM Corp impenetrable bear bag kit? |
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It's like your idea except it has the ursine one inside the impenetrable bag, and the human on the outside. |
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You get three bags, so you can pick one that's not too big and not too small etc. |
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Kit comes with three bags, and blonde wig. And some porridge. And spoons. And one of those double-barreled H&H nitro rifles which in some jurisdictions are classed as artillery pieces. |
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The bag just needs to inflate to hugely
disproportionate sizes with you in the center and
make unearthly noises at a moment's notice so
that any bear after your pick-a-nick-a-basket is
sufficiently frightened and confused by the
sudden appearance of a giant Ranger Smith. Note
that with this arrangement, I recommend sleeping
outside the tent lest you crush your campmates
against the tent wall upon inflation. |
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In the meantime, I recommend these guys as
potential manufacturers for the crush-resistant
hardshell variant of your sleeping bag. Linky. |
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//bag just needs to inflate to hugely disproportionate sizes with you in the center |
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Hmm, given the right gases, this would be lighter than air...so proving safe from bears without the gift of flight... |
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Lion and elephant tend to leave people alone. Sounds like bear are attracted to people. |
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Small electric fences apparently keep out lion quite well (but maybe they just offer psychological comfort to their users), and I've heard about their being used for bears. Don't they work? |
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An anti-bear Zorb, Shirley? |
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I would imagine that the lion would scare the bears away somewhat. |
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No, it wouldn't. Bears are only scared of
other bears. A grizzly could kill a lion with
one swipe. |
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// Sounds like bear are attracted to people // |
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Technically, bears - being omnivorous
scavengers - are attracted to people's food. |
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Elephants are herbivores and are
uninterested in humans unless percieved as
a threat. Lions are not terribly keen on
humans as they tend to come in distasteful
glass-and-steel wrapping. However, such
wrapping (usually called a "car") presents no
problem at all to the average peckish bear. |
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A quick walk round the "black museum" at
Yellowstone park is sufficiently convincing for
any doubter. |
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The second best anti-bear defence is to make
sure you are a very long way from where
there are any wild bears. |
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The best anti-bear defence is to be
accompanied by a hand-reared tame pet
bear, which is what one Canadian filmmaker
has apparently done*. However, what to do
with a pet bear which follows you round
when you want to go somewhere with a "no
bears" policy** is problematic. |
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*He claims they're "just good friends", but
you never know with Canucks … |
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** Based on an unrepresentative sample of 17 suburban retail
establishments, including bars, fast food outlets, hairdressing
salons, car parts suppliers and an artisan bakery, 100% of the
establishments failed to have a "No Bears" sign.*** |
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*** This may be different in your area.**** Please check before
acquiring a baby bear and hand-rearing it as a house pet. |
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**** But perhaps not in parts of Canada, especially the ones
where lots of people have pet bears, with whom they are "just
good friends" ***** |
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The problem with elephant is that sometimes they get irritated. We woke one from a nap (or so it appeared), driving past, last December, and he tried to have a go at the friends following. |
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Elephant also get worse than irritated when in musth. You can find plenty of pics of people who didn't properly understand that when an elephant is between you and your destination, you change your schedule. Overtaking is a really, really dumb idea. |
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As far as this relates to sleeping bags goes, your only hope in the unlikely event of an elephant getting annoyed with your sleeping bag would be that somehow the tickle given by your little electric fence didn't make the elephant even more irritated. (And a way to get in the way would be to park on top of a favourite source of buried water -- it is possible, even if improbable.) |
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Zorb! Ah! An anti-elephant Zorb might actually work well, and eventually put the said pachyderm in a good mood. They always look pleased with themselves after breaking something or pushing it around. This would be a good one for Jackass if he's still alive. |
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And yes, I think if a lion saw a bear, it would be nervous. |
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"I don't have to run faster than the bear, I just have to run faster than you." |
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A sleeping bag one can run in might also work. |
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They make those. They call them 'pajamas.' |
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I considered the Zorb at first, but then thought the
better of being in the middle of a clear ball which can
simply be nudged downhill in bear country, which is
usually not terribly level. |
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How about a sleeping bag that can run? Just mount it on one of those big robodogs from Boston Mechanics and it can also carry your gear. |
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... including personal weapons ? |
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Is there a market for a bearproof tracked armoured vehicle for hikers ? |
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