It is pleasant when small songbirds alight on a grand piano, only to flit off again when someone begins to play.

In practice this happens all too infrequently, due to the regular piano faring poorly in its role as sustainable worm source.

In order to counter such issues, this grand piano accommodates a rich variety of oligochaeta by means of an outer layer of turf.

This provides the birds with somewhat of a lure, and also looks pretty good in an outdoor setting, and can be utilised (by closing the lid) as a means of camouflaging the piano during times of conflict or other public disturbance, during which time, the piano may be put at risk.

The plinkety-plonk of the keys may trick the resident worms into believing that it's raining, driving them out of the safety of the turf, and in doing so, wriggling around alluringly for the benefit of any passing songfowl.

But - what about natural predators? This too has been considered and solved by means of a gravy canal that runs all the way around the edge of the piano. This acts as a distracting element to any cats, badgers or hawks that might otherwise disturb the songbirds.

Gravy flow is controlled by means of a valve hidden beneath the piano, and can be adjusted to the desired value.

To further attract attention to the gravy, a small wire tube provides an optional Brussels-sprout interface, allowing sprouts and other small cabbages to be conveyed in a clockwise fashion, around the gravy conduitance.
-- zen_tom, Feb 04 2008

Workmen begin the conversion process http://img.dailymai...VNG1004_468x324.jpg
Rather than placing the turf on top of the piano, it is customary to place the piano on to the turf, and hope some of it sticks. [theleopard, Feb 04 2008]

Pianow Pianow
could be combined with the Turf Piano for added bucolicism. [calum, Feb 04 2008]

Infinity - The Quest to Think the Unthinkable http://www.amazon.c...kable/dp/1841196509
Should be added to the hb required reading list. [wagster, Feb 05 2008]

Although I absolutely love this, pianos shouldn't stay outdoors. Here are some croissant crumbs for the birdies. +++
-- xandram, Feb 04 2008


How does gravy deter hawks? For that matter, how does it deter, rather than attract, cats?

I am also puzzled by the turf. Pianos work by resonating. Turf works by, well, whatever the opposite of resonating is. Nothing's gonna happen. Which at least won't scare your flighty songbird off, I guess.
-- DrCurry, Feb 04 2008


don't alarm the turf accountant.
-- po, Feb 04 2008


I'm tempted to ignite this and play Stravinsky's "Firebird" suite.
-- phundug, Feb 04 2008


Hmm, we have a few issues here I see. But before I address those, some clarifications.

[DrCurry] the gravy isn't a deterrent, it's a distraction. Both in terms of smell and taste, and as a means of transporting small things which might look, from a distance to be a column of mice, thus confuse/distracting any passing raptors.

Gravy usage would attract all manner of wildlife to come and gently lap at the sides of the piano, and in time, a player may be able to gain the trust of the animals, and play surrounded by a myriad of woodland creatures.

Which takes us to the piano resonance issue - and, on a side note, [xandram]'s concern for the general wellbeing of an all-weather piano.

My solution, is to construct it upon a geological feature I shall refer to here as a "reverb-nexus". Essentially, the central node of a star shaped rock (or concrete) feature that has been sunk into the earth. Only the top point of the reverb-nexus is visible above the soil, and it is upon this, that the piano is constructed in such a way as to channel any vibrations down and out through the splayed points of the geology. This ought to bring out the bass tones, and may attract moles.*

To answer the weather question, I suggest the piano be constructed from more resilient materials than wood, probably stone - of the hewn kind. This would of course affect its acoustics - and we should also consider replacing the delicate string arrangements with a simpler method for generating sound - and for that I suggest adopting a more glockenspiel approach - still keeping the keys and hammers, just making them a bit more heavy duty, and replacing the strings with resonating stones/steel bars. This should negate the requirement for a piano tuner to come around every 6 months or so.

The piano should be built to last for at least 1000 years, and may become the focal point for the ceremonies of a post-apocalyptic piano cult. (By this time, all gravy reserves will have been depleted - hence my exclusion of it from this scenario - To be honest, the gravy thing probably isn't necessary at all here - and I may remove it from the idea altogether)

* had stonehenge been built in this manner, adopting a solid radiating stone feature at the centre, and placing the standing stones atop each of the radial points, the druids would probably have generated some great bass.
-- zen_tom, Feb 05 2008


Retain the gravy canal, but surround it with glockenspiels (glockenspielen?) that will be accidentally played by the paws of the visiting sprout-grazing foxes, badgers and racoons. By removing strategic tines you will be able to keep the predator accompaniment in the correct key. By installing a miniature wave machine in the canal you could bob the sprouts in time with the music, keeping them in time as well.
-- wagster, Feb 05 2008


<pedant>[zen_tom], you use 'myriad' in the same way as 'many', not the same way as 'lot' (yes I do know that the meaning is different (and yes you can interpret that in two ways)). 'surrounded by myriad woodland creatures.</pedant>
-- marklar, Feb 05 2008


[marklar], 'Myriad' is both a noun and adjective, at least in Real(tm) English, so there are a plethora of different ways it can be used.
-- oniony, Feb 05 2008


There are legion possibilities for expressing the incalculable array of multitudinous and diverse potentiality - but I always thought it was ok, just as long as you didn't say "myriads" - e.g. "We were surrounded by myriads of slavering pedants."
-- zen_tom, Feb 05 2008


Surely if you had a myriad of blue pedants and another, quite distinct, myriad of red pedants, it would be permissible to say myriads, to refer to them all, as a group?
-- oniony, Feb 05 2008


That's the plural of myriad so that should be fine. Don't try infinities though. Infinity hates pluralisation.

Hello [oniony] - where you been?
-- wagster, Feb 05 2008


Bubs, is it also a prosthetic arm? Ala your stilton-piano-arm, with integral drawers containing (among other things) assorted mixed ants, some brown, egg, a myriad of writhing eels, and an overarching sense of general but unspecified discomfort?
-- theleopard, Feb 05 2008


Hi [wagster], I have been a very, very busy bulb. Have been renovating the allium family dwelling, starting a new job and there is a shallot on the way to boot. All very hectic! How are you?
-- oniony, Feb 05 2008


[wags], //Don't try infinities though. Infinity hates pluralisation.//

Not to put too fine a point on it, there are at least two infinities: countable (as in 1, 2, 3, ....) and uncountable (as in all real numbers between 0 and 1.) There may be many more.
-- csea, Feb 05 2008


[oniony] - I'm much the same as you by the sounds of it. Built the current family dwelling last year - got it signed off in December and immediately found out that another mini-wagster is in the pipes and the flat will be too small in nine months time. Going to move to Galway (no job yet) and take some time off to fish and chill out.

[csea] - Have you read "Infinity" by Brian Clegg? (link) It's a great little book on mankind's struggle to get to grips with that naughty pseudo-number.
-- wagster, Feb 05 2008


Happy Spock, (wink)
-- skinflaps, Feb 05 2008


Yay!
-- wagster, Feb 06 2008


<Ancient geek>Strictly speaking, a myriad is a group of ten thousand of something. All other uses are derived from this, sometimes rather clumsily.</Ancient geek> [edit] - No, I'm wrong, [UB] (below) is right; the vague use (in Homer) pre-dates the exact use (in Hesiod). Gahh!
-- pertinax, Feb 06 2008


I remember an old geography teacher telling me about his fieldwork on one of the smaller Shetland Isles. He was chatting to an old man in a pub who commented, "From London, ay? I hear it's a big town... must be a hundred cars there."
-- wagster, Feb 06 2008


Put it close to a tree near a brook.
-- Dub, Feb 08 2008



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