h a l f b a k e r ycarpe demi
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What with seti and all the junk we end up transmiting into space there is always a chance someone might notice. If they come look they will obviusly be too advanced for us to fight so we need a beter way to defend ourselves. The obvius answer is to build a giant fake death-ray in orbit with witch to
scare them off...
To Whom it May Concern (strategies for surviving hostile aliens)
http://kurellian.tripod.com/conc.html
According to the author, misinformation is a great way to fool them. Even mentions magicians! [mrkillboy, Jul 07 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]
War of the Worlds
http://www.transparencynow.com/welles.htm
What happened another time we made fictional broadcasts. [Dewey, Jul 07 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]
Fake Car
http://www.halfbakery.com/idea/fake_20car
well it was inspired by this and Radical Anti-Theft Products [GreeboMaster, Jul 07 2001, last modified Oct 17 2004]
war of the worlds invasion
http://www.war-ofthe-worlds.co.uk
All about the infamous 1938 invasion [johngosling, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 17 2004]
Electrolux Death Ray
http://www.brotron....llery/gallery2.html
Greg Brotherton's design. [jutta, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
death ray like stuff
http://www.amazing1.com/
A web page with teslacoils and ion guns. [travbm, Oct 29 2015]
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Annotation:
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I was going to change it but then I thought that your anotation was slightly (7or8 beers probabley) funny... |
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Besides if the death ray fails we can always try to scare them away with magic... |
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Magic! Yes, I suggest David Copperfield, Paul Daniels, Uri Geller and as many of our best magicians in an orbiting space station. |
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Not quite the same, but can't we broadcast fake newscasts about all the terrible, horrific weapons we've developed? Clips of planets exploding, with some mullet news announcer intoning that "Today's test of the Whopping Big Antimatter Ray was a resounding success, and our solar system is down another world..."? That way we don't have to actually spend money putting anything into orbit. |
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[benfrost] the only problem is that magicians have an anoying habit of escaping... |
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[DogEd]Also good... do both... make big show of puting death-ray into orbit and broadcast that... |
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RobertKidney: You're right. More is better in this case. |
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Dog Ed — We've been broadcasting "I Love Lucy" for fifty years. I've the feeling that's what's kept them away so far. |
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[the military] you just started my thought process off in a very strange direction. Lucy made me think of lucy in the sky with diamonds. Then I got it... we beam Wiliam Shatner's "singing" at the aliens on all frequencies until they surender... |
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Yes, I can see the merit in that. I can't support your original contention, though. It would doubtless trigger an intergalactic fake-arms race which might
last cycles uncounted. |
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Which will start a massive arms race - real or fake it doesn't matter - either way the aliens won't want to hang around... |
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I`ve just thought of a flaw in this plan.
If its a fake death ray, wont it have a stupid "made in tiawan" sticker on it?
Otherwise its a great plan. |
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we carfuly cover it up... with something that doesn't say made in tiawan |
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I think we're on to something here, folks. How about if we try the fake missle shield first, and if that works then we can put something out in space next. This is a pretty big undertaking...I really think we should do this in stages. |
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The next stage leaves in thirty minutes. |
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They should just send one of those spider walker contraptions that NASA was working on in the early and mid 90's. I don't know what alien race that wouldn't be scared of a 5 foot tall metallic spider with an 11 foot wing span. They might get the impression that our planet is full of those and make a conscious effort to steer clear from us. |
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the 6 foot tall 12 foot wingspan spider aliens? |
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Maybe we should transmit some of the content on the HB. |
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in the hope of having them laugh themselves to death? |
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But what if they just want to give us something really, really cool? |
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That seals my vote. "No" to the orbiting witch. |
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Thinks... so what are we going to do with this fake death-ray when they finally turn up with their fake invasion fleet? |
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Erm...
Aliens: we have a msive invasion fleet, surender or be destroyed (lets just hope they don't realise its fake...) |
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Us: We are defended by our super death-ray (lets pray that they don't find the made in tiawan sticker...) |
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Aliens: erm... now what... erm we cant fight, our polystyrene armour cant stand up to that death-ray... erm... |
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Us: we also have several magicians and a witch!!!!! |
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Aliens: thats it, they have magicians and they've just used FIVE exclamation marks... run for it... |
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That's it... you've broken the exclamation mark ellipsis rule!!! Prepare to die earthling. (Pulls out obviously fake handheld disintegrating blaster and, knowing it won't work, prepares to hit nearest bipedal life-form over the head with it.) |
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In the words of Gary Larson, "Hang on a minute, isn't anyone here a real sheep." |
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I'd sleep better in my bed if we had real death rays |
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The words Bush and George frighten me |
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Why not a holographic projection of a second fake moon? Then we could either:
a) destroy the fake moon with the fake ray; or
b) cause a the moons to clap so as to simulate what the between a rock and a hard place phenomenon might be on a planetary scale. |
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we could make the fake death ray have a real use as well like transmit useless tv signals into space |
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the fake death ray could kill the aliens if they get too close with very heavy rock music |
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What, though, if we get invaded by alien Possums? And all of a sudden we think it's started to work? Who tested this thing anyway? |
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Or schmoos? They might turn it on themselves... |
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I bet if the aliens were sharp enough to get here from wherever, they've seen this trick before, and wouldn't fall for it. They'd be laughing their gornorckles off. |
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No - we are the only species stupid enough to build one... |
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I still think we could blow there minds with some nu-metal (mabe even my own band???) |
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if he's 14, how's he supposed to know about 60s movies? :) ... anyhow... I think we'd have to scatter the solar system with "fake debris" from disintegrations of things from the death ray... just to make it look real. Oh, wait. We're already leaving lotsa garbage and stuff in space. Never mind. |
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Urania: we need to drill a big hole right through the heart of Saturn or the moon. That'd look frightening to them. |
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But we would then need a big drilling machine... We should just paint the holes on and hope they don't notice... |
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Speaking of magicians--seeing Doug Henning is enough to creep anyone out. Imagine if we launched him into orbit! <cheers abound> |
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Considering he died almost two years ago, I think he'd qualify for the creep-out factor. |
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but saturn's a gas giant.. probly wouldn't work so well.. the moon, maybe, though. or just make a fake second moon-with-hole out of paper-mache (sp?).. gotta love that stuff! |
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I'm surprised that nobody seems to have considered the following scenario: |
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Glorp: Hey Fuzzbuzz, have you heard about that new planet discovered orbiting that mediocre yellow star? |
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Fuzzbuzz: No, Glorp, what about it? |
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Glorp: Well, it turns out they have developed the death ray WAY too soon in their socio-economic development to use it responsibly. They are a danger to all sentient races in the region! |
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Fuzzbuzz: So, standard procedure, then? |
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Glorp: Yup. We'll grab a few genetic samples then sterilize their planet. |
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[Cut to alien armada informing the citizens of Earth they are about to be sterilized] |
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Alien Commander: [...] and because of the presense of the Death Ray, possession of which has been banned by an inter-stellar agreement, your world is to be sterilized. |
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Earth Commander: Wait! It isn't real! It's just a ruse so nobody will attack us! |
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Alien Commander: Suuuuure it's not real. Prepare for sterilization. [....ZOT....] |
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what if the aliens have the internet?
what if they are monitoring this site?
They are onto us....sneaky bastard aliens...they know all about the fake, i mean real(wink, wink) death ray. |
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And they are obviusly the ones giving me fishbones... seems to be a new one for this idea every time it pops back up... |
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fuego - put me out of my misery; you are not related to a certain cp9man are you? |
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Glorp: Someone set up us the fake death ray. |
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This, for reasons I'm not sure of, reminds me of something a friend and I came up with when drunk: |
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Three Stooges Xeno-Defense Platform:
Build a huge space platform. Put a large number of radios to transmit sounds and lots of waldos with long arms. Thusly... |
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Aliens: We are coming into range of Sol 3, Commander. They have some strange platform built in orbit. |
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Platform AI: Unidentified Xeno Ship, you have five seconds to leave the system. |
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Alien Commander: Any life forms or weapons detected? |
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Aliens: No sir, just some basic power sources |
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Alien Commander: Then we shall attack! |
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*Waldo extends from station and plugs finger into UberDestructorCannon, causing it to explode and part of the ship with it* |
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Radio: Nyuck nyuck nyuck. |
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Aliens: Argh! We're on fire, sir, the ship is burning! |
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*Alien viewscreen cracks as two of the waldo's fingers smash through, damaging vital circuits* |
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Radio: Whoop whoop whoop! |
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Sorry, I don't know what came over me :p |
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They have the technology to tell a fake gun when they see one. This is assuming that they notice it since it may not come up on their sensors. Let's say they attack first, what would we do with that fake uber destructo ray? |
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However, yes, I agree with the humor potential. |
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Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet. |
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Very strange, but its a thought. |
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I like the idea of exploding the moon to demonstrate the death ray. Pack it with the entire world nuclear arsenal, and wait for the alien invasion fleet to show up.
Alien Invasion Fleet: Prepare to be demolished feeble Earthlings!
Kofi Annan: As Secretary General of the United Nations I order you to cease and desist with this violation of Human Rights in accordance with Security Council Resolution No.12741
Alien Invasion Fleet: Or what?
Kofi Annan: Or it's the death ray for you, chummy.
Alien Invasion Fleet: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know all about the 'death ray' - we read about it on the Halfbakery (loved "Vagina Jam" by the way, very droll). Besides, you left the "Made in Tiawan" sticker on it, you dumb-asses.
Kofi Annan: I tire of your insolence. Now witness the firepower of this FULLY ARMED AND OPERATIONAL DEATH RAY!!!!!!
(Presses big red button. Moon explodes.)
Alien Invasion Fleet: Holy Crap! These humans are serious! Head for the Crab Nebula, boys!
Kofi Annan: Weak pathetic fools. Now nothing stands between me and Total Galactic Domination. Mwahaha! |
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what if our fake death ray scared off all of the friendly aliens and instead of becoming friends with us, the different types of aliens eventually befriended each other and formed a coalition to destroy us because they found our deathray to be a threat to them? Longest question. |
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I thought it was a ray that causes fake death.
*bang bang! arrgh, you got me!*
call it the coma-cannon. |
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But if we built this "Lazor" we could hold the world to ransom for 1 million dollars. |
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Anyway, isn't this inspired by Galaxy Quest? |
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//we beam Wiliam Shatner's "singing" at the aliens on all frequencies until they surender// Cruel *and* unusual. [+] |
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Oh yeah!! Why don't we just put the Death Ray out there, then when aliens show up, we show them Star Wars. If that doesn't work: |
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Glorp: Surrender, Earthlings! |
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Glorp: Then we will destroy your planet! |
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George: We do not tolerate terrorism! |
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Fuzzbuzz: Glorp, you wimp! Blow 'em up! |
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George: I have to warn you... [plays clip of Star Wars] |
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Fuzzbuzz: Idiot! [kills Glorp] We know that's just a movie! |
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George: Oh yeah? Well, how 'bout this? ["blows up" moon] |
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George:..... Ha! How about this!! [turns Death Ray around] Haha!!! |
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George: You'll see! It does too work! [pushes big red button] |
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Then, the Fake Death Ray, since it was made in Tiawan, actually does fire, and kills us all. |
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Fuzzbuzz: ......Hey Glorp, look at this. They blew up their own planet. |
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George: Yeah! No one terrorizes us! [realizes he has blown up Earth] Oh..... |
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Fuzzbuzz: Heh, now you can build your intergalactic highway, Glorp. Glorp? Glorp, get up. |
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Sorry, I had to write a humorous skit..... |
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Information unlimited has a lot of gadgets you could rig up to look like you very own death ray. It may even sell a few. |
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