auxiliary thumbs

These Z-list celebrities may be empty-headed bimbos but you still would wouldn’t you? You may not have seen Jean Phillipe the maitre d’ in Gordon Ramsay’s “Hell’s Kitchen” (a programme exported to the colonies) but if you did you would have noticed that all the fit women are constantly chatting up the wily Belgian. And you’d be wailing “Why does he always manage to get their telephone numbers?” and “I’m a failure, what’s his secret?”

Well I can reveal all. The attraction is the way he can balance so many plates up his arm without dropping them. “But how can I possibly compete? I’d drop my hands if they weren’t attached!” But hang on! You too can benefit from this babe-magnetry by this simple new device – The surgically implanted auxiliary thumb and forefinger. Tastefully attached to your forearm in banks of two, you should never again have to watch with your face reddening in embarrassment as the bowls of spaghetti Bolognese go tumbling down the steps as the whole restaurant points at you and laughs. Why stop at two on each arm? Try four…or even eight.

And when you have finally bagged a brace of lovelies in your hotel room, do I need to explain the advantage of so many thumbs and forefingers? Or do I have to go back to the inventing shed* and come up with something in the trouser** department?

* What’s American for “shed”? ** I think that’s “pants” in American.