X-ray high-voltage invisible umbrella

Conventional umbrellas are so, well, *passive.*

I don my white lab coat, thick rubber gloves, and welding goggles, and then envision an IMPROVED umbrella yes. First we get some x-ray tubes yes. Not any ordinary tubes, but KILOWATT x-ray tubes yesssss. Build an ENTIRE ARRAY of KILOWATT-CAPABLE x-ray tubes... and aim them skywards to CHALLENGE THE VERY GODS!!! To this array we attach a Tesla coil, a REALLY HUGE TESLA COIL PUTTING OUT FRACTIONAL TERAVOLTS, so the ENTIRE tube-array becomes CHARGED to ELEVATED POTENTIAL. Next we switch the x-ray tubes on and off at ENORMOUS FREQUENCY, PERFECTLY SYNCHRONICSED with the AC output of the Tesla coil. On the first half-cycle the x-ray beam will CREATE A HUGE VERTICAL COLUMN OF CONDUCTIVE AIR AND RAIN, and the Tesla coil will INSTANTLY CHARGE this conductor to A FEW MILLIONS VOLTS WITH RESPECT TO THE POTENTIAL OF THE EARTH, AND ON THE SECOND HALF OF A CYCLE SAID ARRAY OF X-RAY TUBES WILL SWITCH OFF, CAUSING THE ENTIRE COLUMN OF CHARGED AIR AND RAIN TO AGAIN BECOME INSULATING AND SO TO SELF-REPEL RADIALLY OUTWARDS WHILE INDUCING A TOROIDIAL VORTEX OF DRY AIR TO ROTATE SLOWLY BENEATH THE ENORMOUS INVISIBLE THIN CANOPY OF OUTWARDS-FLEEING ELECTRICIZED AIR AND RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you LAUGHED when you heard that Tesla coils could be used to modify Earth's weather? Once this device has reached SUFFICIENT PERFECTION, I figure I can keep Seattle selectively dry as desired, while giving Everett, Bellevue, and Renton a good soaking. And with the profits yes I can FINALLY start BUILDING my ENORMOUS TUNNEL-WARREN RESEARCH BASE WITHIN MY MOBILE ATOM-POWERED ARTIFICIAL PYKCRETE ISLAND NATION yes.