h a l f b a k e r y"This may be bollocks, but it's lovely bollocks."
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Each morning, the UN round up a few Hamas leaders at gunpoint.
They are then taken to an open area where they are forced to strip to
their underpants, then sprayed with jam.
They are then given pointed sticks, and forced to poke a large
wasp's nest full of hungry, bad-tempered wasps.
Inevitably,
they will received numerous, very painful stings.
They are then asked, "Now, what did you do wrong ?"
The correct answer is, "We poked a wasp's nest with a pointed
stick".
The process is repeated every morning with a new wasp's nest, until
they* either (a) get the hint, or (b) die.
*After off-forum discussion, and a number of quite remarkably
painful and unpleasant experiments, it may be appropriate to clarify
the fact that it is the pokers who are meant to get the hint, not the
pokees; up to this time, all available data indicate that both
individually and en masse, the ability of wasps to pick up on hints,
be they subtle or blatant, is - for all practical purposes -nil.
... disturb a nest of wasps for no good reason ...
http://www.youtube....watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw
[calum, Aug 04 2014]
[link]
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I can see alternative applications for the same
general system. If you replace Hamas with NATO and
the wasp's nest with an angry bear. |
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Unfortunately, you need to be alive to learn. And
poking an angry bear leads to a reduction in life. |
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There may of course be teething troubles as
the scheme is rolled out. Presumably with
the bears, honey would be used instead of
jam. |
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bears already like Human-flavour |
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Ahh, but fresh human drizzled with pure
honey would be even more attractive. |
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We understand that bears are also
particularly fond of apples, so if you're in
bear territory, do your best not to look or
smell like an apple. |
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Oh great. Now you tell me. |
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I guess this explains why I haven't been able to get
in touch with the MaxCo Rocky Mountain Cider and
Strudel Factory for a while. |
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Oh that, the place is actually run and staffed by bears: there's usually a hiccough in production following the harvest; should be up and running again in a bit as the employees "sober up" some. |
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Bugger. Who in gods' names has been cashing the
paycheques then? |
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Unfortunately, you'd probably get a lot of the wrong answer: "We didn't complete our duty to drive the wasp regime into the sea. We must poker harder next time! And with sharper sticks!" |
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Bun anyway for the stinging. |
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As long as we also round up some Israeli
commanders, and while they have an actual target
to poke at, it is very small and completely
surrounded by
wasps nests. |
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The correct answer here is "we need to be very
careful about legitimate target identification." |
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I don't actually think the Israelis are wrong to
respond to the Hamas attacks, but there are no
circumstances where the correct response to an
attack is to shell a school full of civilian refugees. |
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// Bugger. Who in gods' names has been cashing the paycheques
then? // |
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We don't want to cast aspersions, but does your Great-grand-aunt-in-
law Vulgaria still volunteer so eagerly to take your letters to the post
office for you on the last Friday of every month ? You know she's still
after the money to buy that antique marmoset-straightener that's
coming up at Sothebys in the Autumn ... |
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// you'd probably get a lot of the wrong answer // |
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That's factored in; wasps are cheap and self-replenishing, and the jam
can be scraped off and used again. We never claimed it would be a
quick process. |
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// "we need to be very careful about legitimate target identification." // |
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You should ask the USAF to put that in their next newsletter, they
seem to have overlooked it ... |
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// there are no circumstances where the correct response to an attack
is to shell a school full of civilian refugees. // |
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Perhaps someone should have mentioned that earlier, like around
1855 ... |
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//Great-grand-aunt-in- law Vulgaria still volunteer...// |
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Sadly, Vulgaria passed away five months ago in what has
been described as a terrorist attack. It was a great shock
to all of us, as you can imagine. |
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We draw some small consolation from the fact that her
highly innovative body-belt detonated on the first
attempt. That is one branch of Waitrose that will be
more careful to maintain its stocks of prosecco at the
correct level in future. |
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//You should ask the USAF to put that in their
next
newsletter, they seem to have overlooked it ...
// |
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I have no problem subjecting the ranking US
military
to the same treatment. Heck, I hereby promise I
will
vote for the first presidential candidate,
regardless
of other politics, who has in his/her/its
background,
a legitimate attempt to make this part of the
mandatory curriculum at West Point, Annapolis
and the Air Force Academy. |
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(Promise void if I happen to be living in a state
where there is even a minimal chance of my vote
affecting the outcome, and the person who does
this is otherwise a complete jerk.) |
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//the ranking US military// |
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You're perfectly welcome to make the same promise
with regards to your MP (A golden retriever belonging
to your second under-groom wasn't it?) if you want it
to apply to the UK military. |
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Seems more of a plan you made for IRA militants than
Hamas. |
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What an excellent idea. It can be used retrospectively. |
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Nah, just treat them all like my gran used to treat kids fighting over the same toy. |
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Take it away from them, stamp it to pieces & tell them 'there, now neither of you have it, now you can't argue about it anymore'. |
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Thinking about it, I suppose scaling that technique up in this instance would involve nuking Israel & all their occupied territories... Umm... maybe not such a good idea then :( |
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<whispers: 'though there is a certain appeal to the worlds three major religions having no holy land to fight over any more... would it be possible to somehow evacuate everyone first... & then do it?'> |
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What's needed, [Skewed] is a sort of semi-
automatic system for nuking territories over which
there is long-term squabbling. |
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Maybe a pre-targetted spaceborne nuke equipped
with a counter. Every time there's a major
conflict, regardless of who started it, the counter
gets irrevocably increased by 1. There is also a
random fluctuation which can increment or
decrement the counter by a few points at random
times, and unknown to anyone. |
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When the counter ticks over 100 (thanks to
awarded points, plus or minus the random factor),
an automated warning is sent out and then, 6
months later, the area is reduced to glass. |
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//a sort of semi- automatic system for nuking territories over which there is long-term squabbling// |
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I think Heinlein already did that in Space Cadet didn't he (sans the automated ticker). |
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I seem to remember some adaption of Verne's Nemo planning a similar form of enforced peace too (unless it actually was Vernes Nemo, which would mean he beat Heinlein by rather a long chalk with the idea). |
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How would the automated ticker register an earth side tiff (just wondering how easy the sensors would be to spoof if someone wanted to :)p |
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Kind of like that idea though. |
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The population of Antarctica could well swell (from zero to something) as people sought somewhere safe from the automated peacekeeper, just remember not to wear a white fur hoody when you're out on the ice, we wouldn't want the seal hunters to get confused & club you to death, because that'd be a bit too ironic (having gone there to be safe), hmm... that's not Antarctica I'm thinking of is it, not with seals? |
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Change this to WASP training (prep school) to get my bun |
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//How would the automated ticker register an
earth side tiff// |
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It wouldn't be automated. The ticker would be
advanced by organisations such as the UN (or,
realistically, by whoever paid to put the thing up
there). |
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That's the reason for having the random element
to the ticker - nobody can say for sure that
advancing the ticker by one more point will or will
not produce results, just that the result becomes
more likely. |
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Initiating a modestly-sized tac-nuke
underneath the Temple Mount would
certainly put to bed more than one long
running issue. |
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<snicker> kind of what I was thinking, the only problem is finding a way to get the people out first. |
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Maybe we could tell them there was an outbreak of some sort & they have to leave the country for a bit (or even the old chestnut of 'there's been a gas leak'). |
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I think it would work if you just told them there was
a nuclear bomb due to go off. |
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It's like the Mickey Mouse club and some other
Disney Fan club fighting over who are going to be the
custodians of Disney Land. |
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//It's like the Mickey Mouse club and some other Disney Fan club fighting over who are going to be the custodians of Disney Land. |
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Now that would be tv....watch as Pocohontas snipes down from the magic castle onto the MM club insurgents. |
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It really is a good analogy, because by Disney
acquiring Star Wars they are 'buying cult'. Buying
and trading those who have been branded by the
iconography, not just the iconography and other
trademarks and copyrights. In other words buying
a
certain amount of the market. Also the history of
Disney trademarks and iconography in a worldwide
context of social scientific racism, and those who
were identified with those characterizations. I
see the purchase of Star Wars as a way of
acquiring those who have been branded by the
iconography, and have in some way included the
story in their own lives. However, they are
participants in a much greater story, that of the
Walt Disney Company. |
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//I think it would work if you just told them there was a nuclear bomb due to go off// |
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Yeah, but that would be telling them what you where doing. |
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Ideally you don't want them to know until after the fact, then they can't try to stop you, you don't really want them to know it was you either (they're liable to be a tad pissed afterwards). |
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This idea is too specific. It would be more widely applicable if every morning, the UN rounded up a few people who do X and clone, kill, jail, wasp sting, or tax them. |
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Good one, [bungs], you should post that. |
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jutta beat me to it, in the help section. |
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No, that's "punish everyone who does X", this is "punish a few people
who do X, 'pour encourage les autres'", which is subtly differerent. |
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