I would love to be a pirate. A proper stripy t-shirt wearing, bandana swathed, bicorn hat wearing, tattoo covered, rum swilling, parrot owning, gold coveting sea dog.
Roaming the Carribean in search of treasure, women and more rum.
Just one problem: my view of piracy is – quite reasonably
– founded on what pop. culture has taught me about pirates.
I mean sure they’re bad, but in a comedy way right? All the people they stab or shoot recover, don’t they? The screaming women they’re always chasing after yelling “Arrgh!” – they don’t actually do anything else but chase them surely? The towns and forts they burn – I’m sure they do help to rebuild them the morning after….right?
My problem with pirates – and I love pirates, don’t get me wrong – is that they are essentially murdering, raping, vandal thieves with really great publicists.
I would love to be a pirate, but it would have to be in the old romantic style – I couldn’t have the ugly consequences of completely unfettered depravity on my conscience.
I need a solution whereby I can fulfil my dreams of being a buccaneer but without the
bitter, guilty aftertaste.
Enter Victimless Piracy!
Victimless piracy would be funded by a small additional tax. No one likes additional tax but assuming near global participation in the scheme (and which country’s populace is going to want to opt out?) it would be miniscule. Also, unlike other taxes which rarely produce appreciable/desirable results this tax would be used for one, great purpose only - funding piracy!
Imagine the scene : you are all set for another depressing day at the office when plop! In through your letterbox comes a large impressive envelope, festooned with the seals and signs of your nation’s ruling body. You square up to it nervously. What is it?
Census form? Notification of detection of your tax evasion? Worse – it could be jury duty! Oh please, not jury duty…..
You open the envelope and cry aloud with joy. Turning to your significant other/pet/toaster you shout gleefully,
”Great news! We just got Victimless Piracy!”
For the next month, you are excused work. Your days are spent on the warm wooden decks of an authentic galleon, cruising the Carribean, drinking rum and playing with knives. On your second day aboard, you win a monkey in a card game. You are sure you will never be happier….and then you plunder your first town.
Screaming townspeople flee as you smash windows, burn buildings and chase after women shouting “Arrgh” (but remembering to restrain yourself, unless they like you too). You engage in courageous fights with local soldiers, and lead them on merry chases through the back alleys when outnumbered. You trade witty quips with the captain of the fort as you duel on the battlements with flames rising from the town below. You win the heart of the Governor’s beautiful daughter, and you return to your ship with a pile of gold big enough to stuff a bed with.
As your ship sails out of the harbour, the town you just ransacked is swiftly re-constructed. Fires are extinguished, new pre-fabricated buildings are quickly erected. Plunder is replenished ready for the next boatload of piratical scum.
Any people injured in the fighting are quickly transferred to the state of the art medical facilities concealed nearby (the risks in this regard are minimised by using guns firing rubber bullets, rapier swords only, and fencing style armour for all combatants, worn under period dress of course).
You return from your tour of duty, bronzed and happy, with memories that would have lasted you a lifetime, if only you hadn’t drunk so much rum. No matter, there is always the next tour and you did get to keep the monkey….