h a l f b a k e r y"Bun is such a sad word, is it not?" -- Watt, "Waiting for Godot"
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I recently went on a short road trip with an associate of
mine and I quickly realized that like myself he enjoyed
cursing at other drivers.
The trouble was he wasn't very good at it.
Incident after incident I felt as if he was striking out with
a
weak delivery and lame content.
So
I propose a Driving school that focuses on honing
performance of driving vices in order to deliver the
greatest unashamed satisfaction and impact.
There will be several categories of training:
Cursing at Other Drivers
Temper Tantrums
Silent Displays of Contempt for Other Drivers:
Menacing Stares & Hand Signaling
Driving & Texting
Driving & Internet Surfing
Open Road Makeup Application
Eating & Drinking & Driving
Sexual Relations Behind the Wheel
[link]
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Are you hiring tutors ? We wish to apply to teach the Advanced
module of "Aggressive Vehicle Body Language with Multilingual
Vituperation". |
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This is definitely higher education. More like Vice Driving
University. As such I would like to apply for a lectureship
in
"Oh, you made a mistake did you.... accidentally drove
down the f*#king filter lane past half a mile of stationary
traffic huh? But you really meant to be in this lane..
right... and now. Now, is the one and only time you use
those odd flashing yellow lights your car came with....
you know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to draw on every
last reserve of my clutch control to make sure I'm 1.27
mm from the car in front at all times. I'm going to turn
off the radio. I was all calm, philosophical about the little
bit of traffic, Radio 4 was on and there's a field over
there I was sort of looking at. But now, NOW furious
anger will drive me. I will sacrifice anything, up to and
including my no claims bonus to make sure you never get
into this gap." |
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The good thing about this position, is that it's pretty easy
to get an idea of the course material from the lecturer's
title. Big door sign though. |
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If you pass all these modules you can then take "Passive-Aggressive Tailgating" |
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Question 1: You have been driving behind what looks to
be an elderly driver at precisely 42 mph for 3 miles of
roads where overtaking is prohibited and the national (60
mph) speed limit applies. You both begin to pass through
a village, where the posted speed limit (30 mph) applies.
The driver in front clearly only has one driving speed, and
as such carries on at 42 mph. Do you: |
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a: break the law, follow the driver closely hoping he gets
confused by the lack of rationing, a wheelie bin or a left
filter lane and overtake within the village. |
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b: Pull over and buy a Bakewell tart, after all, you're in
Bakewell. |
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c: Obey the law and slow down, fantasizing about a speed
trap, then, catch up to the codger and overtake on a
straight bit while giving a dead-eyed stare to the side of
his oblivious head. |
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I was about to correct you on the national speed limit of 60mph you cited, thinking that the A6 was dual-carriageway through Bakewell (in which case the national speed limit would be 70mph) but I think you may be right and that may in fact be a
single-carriageway section. As you were. |
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Bakewell is a town, not a village. |
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I was actually writing this about the village of Chelford. But,
there's no reason to stop in Chelford. This, combined with
the fact that answers a&c are obviously correct, would
make the exam a little easy. |
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// there's no reason to stop in Chelford. // |
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Yes there is. Just long enough to start the timers on the demolition charges. |
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ah, you've worked as a courier, then. |
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You're clearly driving an automatic. Otherwise you'd have
your phone clamped between your head and shoulder, the
pen in your mouth writing on the steering wheel-mounted
clipboard while moving the gear stick into 3rd* |
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*which mashes the coffee in the stupidly placed cup holder,
I'm looking at you Seat |
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I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. |
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I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." |
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We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." |
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We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. |
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"Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way." |
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The educational videos should be from foreign countries. I recommend New York City and Russia. |
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Boston, Mexico, or India would be good stand-ins. |
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