Viagra de Graaff

Kevin van der Graaff's cunning generator is well known for its ability to make one's hair stand on end. When the body (and hair) is charged to a high enough voltage, electrostatic repulsion makes the hair want to get away from itself and from the body, with the resultant effect.

Now.

It's pretty clear that there are two problems with the van der Graaff generator. First, the voltage it supplies is only sufficient to raise hair, which is amusing but not useful. Second, anyone touching the van der Graaffee gets a short, sharp shock and the effect ceases.

So.

MaxxxCo. has developed the Viagra de Graaff Bed for late-middle- aged couples who want to put some zap back into their love-life, but are uncomfortable with pharmaceuticals.

Simply climb aboard the Viagra de Graaff Bed, switch on, lie back, think of England, and wait. The ceramic bed legs will provide adequate insulation as the entire structure is slowly charged to an undisclosed and implausibly high voltage. Your hair, and that of your partner, will begin to stand on end when the voltage reaches the low thousands. You may notice a slight smell of ozone - this is normal.

Eventually, the voltage will cause everything to stand on end, and to extend perpendicularly from the body. Once this state is achieved, proceed as you think best.

MaxxxCo. warmly invites users of the Viagra de Graaff Bed to use the Slow Discharge switch before attempting to leave the bed. We also advise against taking crisps, popcorn or other lightweight comestibles onto the bed whilst in use.