Vertiplex

I love going to the cinema. The giant screen, the great soundsystem and the delicious snack treats are a powerful triumvirate of incentives for me to waddle down to my local multiplex.

There are bad points though, as any cinemagoer will attest to. These include: noisy people, people who go and get treats mid-film, people who take phone calls and people with shrew-like bladders who insist on going to the toilet 2 or 3 times over the 2 hours they're in the theatre. Not at Vertiplex!

Enter the building and there is the ticket desk. Show your ticket, past the usher and down to your screen. Here is where things start to look different.

You're in a large space with snack vendors and exits toward the toilets around the edges. You buy a tray of nachos and some M&Ms and are bemused when you are handed what looks like a superhero's utility belt to hold the items. Suddenly a loud claxon sounds. Everybody starts to move towards the middle of the room. As you watch more closely, you see that people are moving to stand on coloured spots on the floor, printed with seat numbers. You find yours (8E), and stand there waiting. You feel something brush your head and look up to see that a ladder has descended from the ceiling above you. You remember belatedly that the ticket clerk asked you whether you'd prefer a ladder, rope or automated lift seat. You climb the ladder towards the ceiling . At the top, you push through an open trap door and find yourself in seat 8E's space. You haul yourself through the trap door, fold down your seat and sit down. All around you, people are emerging from the floor like eager zombies and taking their seats.

After five minutes or so, the lights are dimmed and the voice of Brian Blessed (or if he is unavailable, Mickey Rourke) booms out across the auditorium.
"Welcome to Vertiplex! We will shortly be commencing the feature presentation so trap doors are being locked now. Should you require to exit the Vertitorium, please use the button on your seat. Please note that this button will work only once during the performance so don't waste it! Also note that your mobile phones cannot receive service within the Vertitorium so turn them off or leave them on as is your preference but don't expect any calls! Vertiplex hates adverts as much as you do, so we'll show you a few film trailers and then get on with the main event."

The lights dim and after a short round of trailers, the feature starts. You notice a few latecomers popping through the floor in front of you but they don't block your view of the screen.

Halfway through the film a group of teens in the front row begin chattering. "Oh well", you think, but suddenly the film is paused. The image on screen (the popular spoon-faced actress Kirsten Dunst in a comical entanglement with a walrus)is replaced by a giant vengeful image of Brian Blessed's head.
"I apologise for the interruption everybody", he booms "but our directional microphones have identified some people in this Vertitorium intent on ruining it for everybody else. I hope you'll understand if we deal with them quickly."

A powerful spotlight is projected on to the teens and Herb Alpert's "Spanish Flea" comes on at terrifying volume. A gang of uniformed ushers rush in and taser the chattering youths into submission, before dragging them out of the room via the emergency exit.
"I'll s-s-sue!" stutters one juddering adolescent.
"Ba ha ha!" booms Brian "somebody didn't read the terms and conditions before they signed for their ticket!" The door closes with a slam, the lights dim and the film rolls on.

The excitement of the chatterers' submission has left you needing the toilet so you press the button in your armrest marked with the large down arrow. Your trapdoor is released and you climb down the ladder to the lobby where you relieve yourself and buy more snacks. Loading them into your snack belt holsters, you start up your ladder once more, smiling as you climb. You decide you'll come to this cinema every time.