h a l f b a k e r y"Not baked goods, Professor; baked bads!" -- The Tick
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So, we've all enjoyed our times in public toilets, the
highlight is perhaps the inevitable frustrating struggle for
the elusive paper. Now, for our convenience, these have
been mounted at 2'6" high. Facing down. Now, this must
be a boon to those among us between 1' and 3' tall. But for
the
rest of us, we can only assume that this was designed
to be accessed while sitting down. Now, I can't gain access
to my arse when my physical self is folded into the
conformation known as 'sitting'. So we adopt the kind-of-
crouching but fundamentally folded-double so we can get
to the paper conformation. Now, consider a perfect world.
One where you can simply stand up. The dispenser is still
mounted at roughly the same height (easy to implement,
no screw holes to cover up see?) but it's facing up. Now
you may simply reel off as much as you need and attend to
the matter at hand. Before anyone chimes in with a
comment about how in this conformation, the convenient
dangly-end won't dangle, may I remind you all that this is
fiction anyway.... we have to go chasing around the roll at
the best of times, at least no we can look down at it, and
not break a wrist trying to access the paper from a
downward facing hole out of visual range....
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Now, I can't imagine why nobody's thought of this before.
Now, here's an idea that really merits implementation.
Now, here's a bun for your trouble! |
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I may be radically misunderstanding here, or
perhaps [bs0u0155] has a variant anatomy with
which I'm not familiar. |
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But, without wishing to put too fine a point on it,
it is surely customary and hygenic to wipe one's
arse _before_ standing up? |
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I admit, I cannot recall ever being instructed in
the sequence of events when taking a dump, but
sit/dump/wipe/stand would seem the only logical
order in which to perform this act, no? |
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I used "conformation" a lot in this idea.... I've been
doing a lot of structural protein work, it infests the
mind... |
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You could have an upside-down J-shape path for the TP to follow. Then there would indeed be a dangly bit, that was above the main roll. |
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not personally, you have to move a little bit, or
you're in the strange scenario of squeezing your hand
past yourself INTO the toilet bowl region, so then
you're kind of hovering a few inches. And the only
real difference between that and a much more
comfortable standing position is knee angle. In any
case, it'd still be easier to get the paper out of the
top. |
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I like the idea simply because the paper in the 'anti-theft'
dispensers is so frequently torn off above the level of the
outlet, and it's very awkward trying to lean over--whilst
sitting down, no less--and snake one's arm up through the
bottom of the dispenser to grope around for the loose end
of the roll. |
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//sit/dump/wipe/stand would seem the only logical order in which to perform this act, no?// Is that the way you do it? I tried it once and things didn't work out the way I planned. |
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Presumably, unless in a state of dire intoxication, chronic stupidity, or frenchness (i.e. both of the aforesaid) then the normal procedure is to check the dispenser for adequate supplies before initiating the solid waste disposal protocol, shirley ? |
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This being the case, why not use that opportunity to acquire a suitable quantity of the necessary cellulose-based sheet before assuming the position ? |
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This is what is done in all other bogroll-using civilisations throughout the Galaxy (Except for those who use the Thee Seashells). No other species could actually make it to their planet's major natural satellite using Newtonian reaction-drive chemical rockets, and yet still not have the foresight to tear a few sheets off a roll in advance .... |
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Not all of us are engineers. We don't all plan everything out
beforehand. |
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If we were capable of pity, that admission would elicit it. |
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//not break a wrist trying to access the paper from a
downward facing hole out of visual range....// the
solution is not to get paper stuck there in the first
place. |
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But if you do, there are ointments which you can apply to ease the discomfort. |
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One ploblem with that statement [21 Quest] Borg don't shit. No
food intake, no output aka not shit. |
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Oddly enough, the HB cell of the Collective produces quite
a lot of shit, mostly of the bull variety, but I believe it is
expelled via keyboard as digital text rather than in the
more traditional organic format. |
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ok, so the TP holders need to have some holes in the
bottom, at various angles so that any 'liquid' poured
into the top invariably goes all over the
shoes/trousers of the offender. |
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Or they just shoot out a few pellets of burning magnesium. |
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//Or they just shoot out a few pellets of burning magnesium. |
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That's onto the vandaliser, not as a substitute for toilet paper? Always best to check these things... |
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Onto the vandal, of course. It's the humane thing to do. |
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// I believe it is expelled via keyboard as digital text rather than in the more traditional organic format. // |
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Sort of. Almost all our waste products are indeed converted to digital format, but we get rid of them by piggybacking them onto satellite TV channels, particularly Home Shopping, Tele-Evangelists, and anything from News International. |
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So far, it's worked great. |
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Let me get this straight, [bs0u0155]... you have
never managed to wipe your own arse, presumably
because toilet paper dispensers are always placed
too far away from where you sit to shit? |
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Well, I'm lucky. I have a bathroom at home, with
toilet paper placed every 6 inches so that people of
every physical conformation may find paper to their
convenience. It's like a huge toilet paper matrix. If I
can repeat this in a public setting, where my own
personal preference will not skew the results so, I
plan to correlate the inverse of the remaining toilet
paper radius with the location. Then I could build up
a map of ideal locations, perhaps customized for
height/sex etc. |
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I don't think you really need to wipe. All of the shit
is apparently still inside you. |
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Is it any wonder Cobain offed himself? |
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well, he clearly had a premonition that Dave Grohl
was, at some point in the future, going to describe
Taylor Hawkins as the best drummer in the world....
a world containing Thomas Haake. |
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Really? I thought it was just do do with the constant
rain in Seattle. |
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