Undercrackers

Now I know la chambre is not the preferred place to keep a bakery, but even the hardiest bakers must occasionally enter its realm, surely?

Perhaps, next time he trudges up the stairs after a hard day's kneading, Mr Baker will open the door to his room and be met with the beautiful curves of Mrs Baker, draped alluringly with a fresh millefeuille, a steaming brioche demurely covering her feet. Although he's tired, Mr Baker cannot resist the temptation, and slowly lifts the layers of pastry until Mrs Baker's lovely form is revealed beneath.

And when he reaches her final undergarment, he's surprised to see a new pair of pants he's never seen before. He pulls them off and... Just imagine! Real fireworks! Sparkles and whizzes and pops and whooshes come forth from Mrs Baker's specially-bought-at-Ann- Summers, one-use-only bedroom- playtime Undercrackers! Hear (using tiny built in speakers) the accompaniment of orchestras as the happy couple make their music! Watch (set off by small battery- powered incendiaries) as the sparks literally fly! And as Mr and Mrs Baker collapse exhausted into bed, the Undercrackers themselves explode in a finale of gold and pink, showering the pair with soft warm rosepetals.

Ahhh.