h a l f b a k e r yBone to the bad.
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Cars and umbrellas seem to have one thing in common, they both seem to make their users oblivious to the outside world. This may be a UK problem, (it would be interesting to hear otherwise), but I think that some kind of test would be a good idea.
I think that the standard highway code would not have
to be changed too much, i.e.common sense.
The test would check on things such as:
1.People would not take peoples eyes out , or disfigure babies, by stopping suddenly, or bending down to look at the price of hearing aids.
2.People with umbrellas would only be tolerated in single file, i.e. not an umbrella wall.
other umbrella laws please?
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Being absurdly tall as well as absurdly skinny I find my eyes are often at optimal jabbing height for umbrella spines (if that's what the sticky-out-sideways bits are called) so I am in favour of draconian umbrella control laws. Umbrella driving tests are a good start, with severe penalties for both unlisenced umbrella-users and users of unlisenced umbrellas. Separate lanes for umbrella'd and umbrellaless pedestrian traffic would be a good idea as well. Umbrella Wardens could be employed: sturdy retired soldiers in natty uniforms who would stop reckless umbrella users to issue stern warnings and on-the-spot fines. |
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One might also mandate Umbrella Bumpers, lengths of foam pipe-wrap glued around the rim of the bumbershoot to cover the spines. Oh then you couldn't fold the umbrella. The bumpers would have to be inflatable, with a CO2 cartridge in the umbrella handle. Umbrella stoplights would also be good. |
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Thanks for that, guys, Ithought I was alone for a minute.
One point I must make to Skinny Rob though, is the unpredictability of the umbrella spines, a short person with a large brolly, bending at fourty five degrees could acheive disastrous results, if you imagine the size of arc that the end of the spine describes.
Ban them now, it's only water.(?) |
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Don't ban them: Umbrellas provide a constant source of amusement in windy conditions. I was most amused one day when I saw a twenty-something businessman striding with purpose in the rain. As a gust of wind picked up behind him, the umbrella blew inside out -most people find this deeply embarrassing. He moved to fix the umbrella as another gust of wind picked the umbrella up and blew it about a metre in front of him. He hopped over to pick up the umbrella, (which had by now folded back the right way,) and tripped. It lurched forward again, so did he. This went on two or three more times... |
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Within the space of about three seconds this confident yuppie-type was reduced to a Charlie Chaplin look-alike pottering around awkwardly. The funniest part was how, after the incident, he instinctively straightened up and checked his hair the same way people do after they accidentally trip over or walk into a pole. Smooth. |
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I once had my bigass golf umbrella <I'm tall too, Rob, but much more careful with my projections...> blow inside out...I just grabbed it by the tip that stuck out the top and held it like that...worked just fine till the wind blew it right side out again, at which point I just switched back to the handle. |
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Thanks for the link, RT. I hereby propose that it should be mandatory for provisional brolly license holders to use your safety umbrellas, only being allowed to use the spiny, dangerous variety on full completion of the test. |
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every one knows that umbrellas and shopping trolleys are the weapons of choice of the very old |
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