h a l f b a k e r yMake mine a double.
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The side mirrors of large box trucks and semis frequently get
maladjusted and flopped back when navigating near foliage.
It's a tricky game of threading between the bushes or
overhanging branches and the oncoming traffic.
RockCo proudly announces a vertical, side mirror mounted
chain saw bar
with vicious teeth guaranteed to chop through
most intruding foliage at speeds up to 30 mph. Power is from
a high speed electric motor or, on the Deluxe version, a PTO
from the engine itself.
Just aft of the trimmer bar is an industrial blowtorch* to
scorch the freshly cut nubs such that they do not grow back,
occasionally immolating the entire plant.
Owners manual with cautions and warnings available at extra
cost. Compliance not really necessary. Manufacturer not
responsible for misuse, or indeed, proper use.
*Super Deluxe version
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Annotation:
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We will give you a free half-page ad in the Acme-BorgCo catalog, if you will let us have one of these at cost for evaluation. |
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+ Yes! I would like a version of this for my car! I
live in the woods and a lot of back roads are
narrow and sometimes you have to navigate giant
potholes or mud slides, pushing you more to the
side of the road where those branches scratch my
car! Thank you. |
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So I was driving through a large group of "trees" the other day, and I noticed that some of the "foliage" tended to dent my truck. There were even some "trees" that "dropped" "pinecones" at my truck. One of those pinecones nearly hit my head! |
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So my question is, do you sell a version with extra large blowtorches? |
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That's a nasty cough you've got there, [Voice]. Any other symptoms ? Elevated temperature, loss of sense of smell or taste ? |
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Whatever ... would you mind standing just a little closer to the edge of the kerb ? We just need to try out this lovely new accessory for the truck ... |
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Early in its development our blowtorch guy (known to,
somewhat trusted and readily loaned out by [Max]) spec'd
military-grade flamethrowers instead of the comparably
more mundane blowtorches we later settled on. The issue
was where to mount the large external fuel tanks as the
fellow would burn through buckets of fuel during a simple
trip to the market. After several embarrassing
confrontations with city officials we suggested the various
exfoliated stretches of roadway be turned into airfields,
we returned our "expert" from whence he came and fitted
blowtorches instead, fuel sourced from the vehicle's fuel
tank.
The test mule still sits in the back like some vehicle from
hell, nozzles blackened, bodywork scorched and streaked
with carbon, energy drink cans and bubble gum wrappers
littering the floor, tanks surprisingly still half full.
So, [Voice], I suppose we could ship it over to you for
"evaluation purposes" for a lengthy period of time... |
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[8th], the initial version featured a terawatt laser in
place of the chainsaws but was nixed because the on-
board generator was too heavy, loud and had its own fuel
issues. We can loan that out today as we've been meaning
to free up access to the back doors and emergency exits.
England, right? |
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Just box up the kit and put it out in the open ... we'll beam it on board. Thanks ! |
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You got artwork for that advert, or shall we do some for you ? No charge. |
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Some artwork would be most appreciated, but please no
images of terror-stricken wildlife fleeing for their lives
like in the previous ads. That didn't go over so well. |
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Don't worry, Acme-BorgCo has endeavoured to entirely drop its connection with Sturton, but it's proving very difficult; he's unaccountably and unpleasantly sticky ... |
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None of the usual polar and non-polar solvents seem to work. However, we have made it very clear that we won't be sub-contracting any more work unless we receive guarantees of better behaviour. |
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//a large group of "trees" // |
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I'm sure we've covered this topic before; if you want to protect
your vehicle while murdering nearby pedestrians, the solution is
hull-mounted flechette grenades. |
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On the other hand, [Voice], you could bear in mind that most
trees, most of the time, manage to get along without overt
violence and, according to Pinker, this is getting more true over
time. So has it ever occurred to you to make like the Prince of
Wales, get out of your truck and talk to the trees? |
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After all, it's Christmas, and what is Christmas all about if not
offering negotiations before you arm your flechette grenades? |
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// what is Christmas all about // |
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Malice, resentment, bitterness, boredom and despair. |
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Unless, that is, you somehow manage to avoid your in-laws... |
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[8th of 7], you are an incorrigible scapegrace, bless your little
implants. |
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Just coal in the stocking this morning, then, I take it? |
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<Pythonesque Yorkshireman> |
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"Coal ? You were lucky... we never'ad no coal..." |
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</Pythonesque Yorkshireman> |
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Oh, coal... coal burns, you can have great fun with coal... |
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<Resumes screwing detonators into grenades/> |
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