Tommy Robinson Crusoe (part one)

This is an updated version of the famous book by Daniel Defoe. The new version is written by Dangerous Dan McGrew (of poet Robert Service fame) who actually survived the terrible shooting and sprang back to life fully revived in order to create the new Robinson book.

In McGrew's version, Robinson is marooned in a rotting caravan in the middle of a vast swamp, surrounded on all sides by chanting, drum pounding, unseen hostile hordes.

His only source of entertainment is now the twisting of cheap coat hangers into misshapen replicas of the ravenous crows he remembered as a child. These would darken the skies before swooping down to pick at the balls of hardened vacuum cleaner fluff and cheese he used to roll up expertly, then hang on knotted strings like dangling conkers, forever waiting on a challenge that never came.

Periodically, lurid flames would tongue out of the bubbling mire, and Tommy would throw another of the pile of broken bricks in their direction to quell the vertiginous smell they generated.

Life for Tommy was not good, despite his fridge overflowing with fizzy lager, and the endless supply of KFC brought to his door every day on a tiny conveyor belt that meandered across the swamp on rusting pylons.

This nightmare was magnified at night when long poles would reach out randomly from the darkness and poke the sides of the caravan, accompanied by the amplified sounds of large toenails being clipped.

Constantly assualted by misery on all sides, Tommy eventually came to accept the reality that his only escape was to complete The Great Task of Tuber Mogondo. This was laid out in detail, sewn into the very bed sheets in tiny writing where he slept fitfully on a perpetualy damp bed composed of layers of flattened carboard boxes.

The task was extreme, but only those completing it had any prospect of passing through the surrounding hidden hordes without being dismembered and strewn on the floor of the I.G.T.F. (Ink Glue & Teeth Factory)

part two to follow