h a l f b a k e r yThink of it as a spell checker that insults you, as well.
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So how are you going to decorate the shower? |
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Somehow I was imagining a toilet with an ablative surface,
like hull antifouling paint, but yours is ever so much more
creative. |
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This idea may of course already exist, but it's impossible to tell. |
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This would be a good opportunity for you to
demonstrate the effectiveness of your special
tongue cleaning ability. |
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You could simulate this by disabling your bathroom light and blocking all the windows, so that it is completely dark and you can't see whether the toilet is clean or not. This is known as "Schrödinger's toilet" - when the room is completely dark, the toilet is both clean and dirty. The quantum superposition of these states collapses when you turn the light back on, and it is revealed to be either a festering swamp of faeces, or sparklingly clean. |
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That assumes that the user has no sense of smell. |
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You're assuming that there's air in the room to allow smells to disperse. |
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Schroedinger obviously never owned a cat that
wasn't at least comatose. Just try to put a cat inside
anything it doesn't want to be in. |
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A giant sculptured poo with a comfortable place to excrete would have to have some serious Leu-cophore abilities. Especially when you can't handle what you've seen. |
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A dirty toilet is the perfect opportunity to deploy
your new Trump Head cleaning brush. See link. |
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In a sunny spot, place a large, fully-unfolded cardboard box
(possibly still containing some traces of pizza or cream cake).
Wait for the cat to go to sleep on it. Gently add the vial of poison
and associated mechanism driven by - what was it? radioactive
decay? - and fold up the sides of the box. Come on, [Rayford],
show a little initiative. |
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They need cleaning? No one told me. |
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I refer to the St Kilda Beeb story link. Readers of
delicate dispositions are advised to apply menthol
under the nostrils and open a window or two. |
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"..The stone houses (were heated by the )
livestock – often a cow and a couple of sheep – were
brought indoors ...to keep the house warm. As well
as using the animals’ body heat, the St Kildans would
spread the animals’ manure – along with their own
waste, including both excrement and discarded bird
carcasses – over the floor. By the end of the winter,
the floor rose so high that visitors had to crawl
through the door on their knees. Come spring,
they’d dig it out and spread it on their fields: the
perfect fertiliser." You don't get any more organic
than that. |
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Sounds like an upmarket version of Yates's Wine Lodge ... |
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Tch...we both know Yates's does at least have a wine
list, any fluids in St Kilda on the other hand... |
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... are probably much more pleasant on the palate than the curious liquid (entirely unlike tea) which Yates's have the temerity to offer for sale under the label of "Australian Sweet Sherry". |
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As an expedient substitute for hydraulic fluid, the basis of a preparation for cleaning spoons, a de-rusting agent for supertankers, or a broad-spectrum herbicide, it might be credible. As a beverage, it isn't.
It should probably be marked "NOT TO BE TAKEN INTERNALLY. RUB THE LIQUID INTO THE AFFECTED PART OF THE HORSE TWICE A DAY. WEAR GLOVES AND EYE PROTECTION". |
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// "Australian Sweet Sherry". |
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I gave my hobby as an Alconaut some time ago, but I
could say that Australians have long memories and
they might not be inclined to send the good stuff to
the people whose ancestors transported them. |
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// Australians have long memories // |
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"An Australian aristocrat is a man who can trace his ancestry back to his father ..." |
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// send the good stuff to the people whose ancestors transported them. // |
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So, Foster's lager is revenge for Britain's 19th century judicial policies ? |
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When I dwelt in London, I would peruse the expat
mags for the Kiwi's, ZA, and Oz etc. |
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One discount telecoms company put an advert which
said "If you want to get something for nothing, and
that's how your ancestors got to be in Australia..." |
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How the readers must have laughed. |
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Breaking News: New research by a Japanese team has
revealed that people's long-term memories can be
improved by taking a large dosage of medication. |
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But, the team have lost the formula, "Put it down right
here, and now where's it gone?" |
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(Only the second paragraph is a lie) |
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// a large dosage of medication // |
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You own, or someone else's ? |
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How long is "long term" ? Do you really want to start recalling potty training in vivid detail ? Or your life as a galley slave in the 14th century ? |
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//your life as a galley slave in the 14th century ? |
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I remember it vividly, I could never quite get the
croutons just right. |
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