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John from Sales Support bumbles over to me with a large stack of invoices under his arm, loosely wedged into an ill-fitting and dog-eared ring binder, and proceeds to dump them into my inbox with nothing more than a nonchalant nod and a murmuring acknowledgment of my puny existence. Despite my calm,
unwavering facade, my heart sinks into a bottomless chasm of self-pity. I hate invoices.
I want to burn them.
I lean back in my chair for a moment to assess the situation, nostalgically harking back to the days when you could smoke at your desk and all the furniture had a pleasant yellow gloss to it. Not any more. Now I've got this report to finish for Jenkins by 3 o'clock, and the mongrel is looking for any excuse to bust my balls for the final time. I can feel him peering over at me through the office partition, enthusiastically rustling his P45s around like an evil traffic warden. In the background a hand dryer begins to whirr.
Looking over my desk I take in the office buzz. The whole place is bustling, everyone's going nuts over the end of the financial year. In some I swear I can actually see the aneurysms forming in the side of their heads from the stress of it all. Phil looks like he's about to collapse, poor bloke. He wipes the sweat from his bald pate with a damp handkerchief unknowingly wafting his combover into the air. I rub my own forehead, feeling for blood vessels.
Then I remember the new girl, Caroline... er... something-or-other. She's been brought in upstairs into the Marketing team who are all kicking back, patting each other on the back, and drinking beers, probably. Cocky bastards. They don't know the meaning of a true slog. She could help us, but there's half a dozen Caroline's in this place, how am I going to find her?
I shortcut key my way to Outlook, hit new email and punch up the company's Global Address List. Man, what's the point? I only met her yesterday and no-one mentioned her surname. How am I gonna guess this one? My mind gives an apathetic shrug as an amusing thought pops into my skull and I smile to myself. Could be... So I tap on the keyboard, "Caroline New Girl," into the recipient bar. I click 'Check Names'.
Wahey! Caroline New Girl! I double click it and it tells me when she started; and it's the one! Happy days! I send her the message and she politely replies with a playful acknowledgement. Huh. She was quite cute if I remember... I then receive a brief confirmation email telling me her surname for future use and that the New Girl/Boy/Guy/Dude service lasts just for the employee's first fortnight. Fair enough, I muse.
Nice. With the invoices gone I concentrate on Jenkins' report as I puff satisfyingly on a thick marker pen. Heh heh. Not this time Jenkins... not this time.
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Annotation:
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Neat idea, but I can't vote for any idea which is basically a feature suggestion for an existing product. Write to Microsoft. Maybe they will add this to the abomination that is Outlook. Darwin knows they add everything else. |
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How about that bird in accounts? You know, the one with the legs? Or Sad Dave? Kiwi Steve's a good laugh alright, but I wouldn't want to spend too much time with his mates Insane Bill, or Violent Kevin from dispatch. Does this thing only work in terms of length of service, or are other mnemonic features included as well? |
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Possibly a keyword associaton could work... though I don't think Bill would be too impressed with the keyword 'Insane' attached to his email account, but perhaps nationality or accents could work. Kiwi Steve and Geordie Mickey could be implemented, but not Spotty Kevin or Laura the Slut. |
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Laura the Slut can be implemented for a drink or two. |
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I once worked as a contractor at a large US company and enjoyed an email address with the suffix (con).
I pointed out that in French this is a very rude word indeed. |
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How ironic that the company policy forbad any form of swearing in email communications; even the most minor transgression would result in ritual humiliation and death upon the perpetrator and all close family members. |
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How I savoured the delicious irony as I got through to the IT help desk based in French speaking Belgium to get my email address changed. |
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Then again, maybe they were trying to tell me something. |
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You're only saying that because you think she might put out. |
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In my workplace, we have an online staff directory which is searchable by first and last name, initials (very important for lawyers, who love nothing better than referring to one another as JBT or ANH or (my personal favourite) JIM u.s.w.), division, office and languages spoken. This means that you can usually find Caroline New Girl by a bit of searching and a process of elimination. But the keyword system would be useful here, especially for when I want to identify a member of staff by their, say, appearance, or shouty voice, or apparent personality disorder. Integrating it with the email software is just gravy. |
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When I was at Uni in Leicester whoever was allocating students their halls of residence was having a bit of a laugh. One corridor was inhabited entirely by Daves. They subsequently had to be given suffixes to their names like Big Dave, Dangerous Dave, Dave Nice, Mysterious Dave (who when people got to know him became Can-Read-Him-Like-An-Open-Book Dave) and one guy in the middle who was known widely as Average Dave. I suppose the keyword idea could have helped. |
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Not sure why they didn't use their surnames but that's 18 year olds for you. |
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indeed, that's why i ended up with my
bakery moniker. |
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Hmmm. Or you could just stalk the building looking for her. Whenever you're asked what you're doing, tell them. I guarantee that in a matter of months you'll be pointed out to all new staff and this problem will never plague you again. |
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True, they'll be able to find me just fine by typing in "Tim the Stalker" but I won't be able to find them because I won't know they exist, because I won't be introduced to anyone, ever again. |
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People might affect certain behaviours, in order to attract positive labels - In one unexpected occurance, it's finally shown that 9 times out of ten, people angling for "Mysterious Darren" are more likely to come over as "Git Boy" |
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Interestingly, Average Dave was the nicest of the lot, though conversely in your supposition [tom], it is unlikely that anyone would actively //affect certain behaviours// in order to pursue that particular accolade. |
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