The Slacker Mach 1.5V Running Shoe

For those who feel they must indulge their mate in mindless exercise to keep them fit, the Slacker Mach 1.5V Running Shoe will keep him on the move to finish that all important drill.

Each shoe is solar powered and equipped with a programmable microchip, GPS satellite connection and infrared sensor. The runner or his Significant Other (password protection included) sets the up the program before the jog. After pressing PROGRAM on the toe, the Distance is set (programmable in increments of .10/M, K, Light Years). Required Speed can also be input as mph, kph or knots/hr. To set the Benchmark, he takes a couple of warm up laps. By timing the interval between footfalls and applying the gravitometric constant (allowing for terminal velocity), force exerted on the sole (Newtons per sq ft), the coefficient of expansion, wind speed/direction, air temperature and humidity, DEW point, surface texture (on the Moh hardness scale), Greenwich Mean Time, sunlight intensity (lumens per sq meter), ambient noise level and estimated probability of death by heart attack or stroke the chip calculates the Mean Distance of Stride. It also registers its location via GPS and maps the route to final destination, estimating arrival time while allowing for posted traffic alerts and road conditions. The user then presses RUN and sets off. As the feet pass each other, the shoes communicate through the infrared sensors located in each arch to tick off the distance and add up the mileage whilst monitoring average speed and direction. Kewl, huh? But there’s more.

Three quarters through the run, Flaccid Fellow falters. His stride shortens and he slows. Here’s where the Slacker Mach 1.5V steps in to keep Blubberboy on his toes. Should the runner go off the pace, a 1.5 volt shock is administered to the soles of his feet (you were wondering about that 1.5V weren’t you). The tiny shocks continue until the Wining Wiener is back up to speed. Should he stray from the planned route (in the direction of Dunkin Donuts, for example), the shocks are administered to one foot until he’s steered back on course. Did I mention that the shoes are locked on until the run is finished? An important selling point, don’t you think?

Also available is the optional earphone package with a drill sergeant screaming, “Pick it up Fatso. Move it, Move it. Move it!”

At the end of a successful run, a pleasant tingling is sent to the feet to massage and soothe them. With the earphones package, “Rocky” is played.

What a wonderful gift for that lard ass lover, ladies!