The Sacrament of Fisting

A friend of mine attends a rather conservative Christian university, and in one of the mandatory bible classes, a professor said "My wife had a misscarriage, and I know the baby didn't go to heaven."

Why would a fellow believer assume a miscarriage is doomed to hell? I guess this has something to do with a tragic head-on collison between the doctrines of life beginning at conception, and salvation based on baptism, or some other post-birth profession of faith.

What are the faithful to do? Not to worry! My new religious movement, the Agape Republic, is now fully ready to remedy this situation with the Sacrament of Fisting. Here's how it works:

At, or soon after conception, the pre-birth child, and it's parents visit the priest in a safe, sanitary, and totally private setting.

The priest dresses in his best sacramental green scrubs, specially modified for wear with a cross and clerical collar. Other vestments include a sacramental hair net, a sacramental face mask, and a pair of sacramental surgical gloves.

Vestal "virgins" dressed in white, and equally bedecked with crosses, hairnets, facemasks, and gloves direct the mother of the child to divest herself of garments which could cover her nether regions. These vestal virgins then assist her in comfortably sitting at the sacramental table, place her legs in the sacramental stirrups, and cover areas not to be examined by the priest with a green cloth.

One vestal Virgin then holds open the book of sacraments for easy reading, and turns pages as needed. The priest begins reading from the baptismal covenant, while the other vestal virgin passes him his sacramental instruments.

While reading the baptismal covenant, the priest uses these sacramental instruments to massage the labia, vagina, and cervix of the mother until she has dilated enough for the ceremony to continue.

Once the mother has dilated, the priest dips his gloved hand in a sterilized baptismal font, containing sterilized batismal water from the sterilized holy sterilized land. The priest then inserts his gloved hand all the way into the womb of the mother to be, feels around for the forming blastocyst, fetus, or embryo, whichever it be at this stage in the mother's pregnancy, and makes the sign of the cross upon it with the holy water, saying "Blastocyst, fetus, or embryo, whichever you be at this stage in the mothers' pregnancy, I baptize you in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit."

If the couple so desire, A laporoscopic camera is then inserted into the cavity to show the newly baptized individual, and a CCTV image is shown to the church, as the priest introduces the new member to the community of faith with appropriate liturgical words. If the couple prefers to remain anonymous for the time, this step will be omitted. For couples desiring more public display, an operating theater, or a pornographic studio can be rented in which to hold this ritual.

At this point, the ceremony is over, the priest retires to ritually cleanse himself, and the vestal virgins ritually cleanse the mother, help her out of the sacramental stirrups, and when she is ready, they depart from the inner sanctum of this ritual space.

Undoubtedly, there will be situations where a young couple desires the blessing on their unborn child when there in fact is no such child. Better safe than sorry though, we always say!