The EnnWii

Horrendously expensive and packed with up-to-the-minute cutting-edge technology, the EnnWii is only affordable by those with a superfluity of assets and a paucity of imagination.

Encased in an exquisitely hand-tooled marquetry veneered box, the EnnWii controller houses an impressive array of incredibly sensitive motion sensors and position finders that would make even Johnny 5 blush. The console itself, housed in a casing hewn from a single slab of meteorite rock, has a processing power and graphics capability that rival those of even the most expensive supercomputers.

Not that they ever get used much.

There is only one game for the EnnWii. It has no graphics, no sound, and no point. It doesn’t even have a title. Any movement registered by the controller – and it is sensitive enough to register even the subtlest world-weary sigh – counts against the player.

Or rather, it would do, if the massively overpowered console was actually keeping score. The only output the game gives is that of a glaringly green LCD-type clock, in the bottom corner of the screen, which slowly ticks off the time second by second. The less input the controller gets, the longer each second stretches, thus prolonging that particular long, dark night of the soul for maximum existential enjoyment.

Flail your controller about like a mad thing and you can unlock a souped-up version of Pong, which will hopefully bring you out of your self-absorbed reverie.