Terror & Outrage Team (T&OT]

Here at Terror & Outrage Team we service the huge spectrum of founded and unfounded fears, from jumping spiders to nuclear holocaust. It all revolves around you!

From daily inconveniences we might overreact to like misplaced keys or the fridge left open, to truly horrific existential threats like global warming, asteroid strikes, and in-law visits, we’ve got you covered. In the event of things going sideways we assign a specialist to deal with the precise level of apprehension and/or outrage, to say nothing of panic, that would ensue. And the level of panic is guaranteed to replicate and replace your own, as if you had flipped out yourself. As distinct from services like Better Health, a service-on-demand that pairs you with some ‘professional’ who will talk you down and stroke your fevered brow, the customer service personnel at T&OT are not interested in placating anyone or finding solutions everyone can agree on. They start from a position of extreme disgruntlement and elevate their delivery to Hair-on-Fire as needed. After you, the client, are well-medicated and placed out of harm's way the assigned professional staff member finishes their warmup and launches the panic/outrage attack, leaving the client high and dry and looking for hard candies.

Our hair-trigger staff has been culled from the finest examples of over-privileged complainers in bank lines, DMV lobbies, Little League games, surviving victims of train crashes, earthquakes, no-knock warrants, and virtually anywhere a camera has recorded a melt-down with style and panache.

You can proceed on your regular day knowing that blood pressure has been raised, hair has been lit on fire, and you have avoided the aftermath and medical effects of being a dick. By subscription only. Not covered by insurance.