h a l f b a k e r yMagical moments of mediocrity.
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"Hi, is that Taxi-pedia?" "Where are you
going?" "I need a taxi to go to the M.I.T.
building that's housing the Astrophysics
Dark Matter conference, and later I will
need to be collected and taken to a
performance of Terry Riley's minimalist
masterpiece In C."
When you summon a cab from
Taxi-
pedia
you get a driver who is an expert in your
chosen field, so that you can have some
relevant, meaningful conversation.
All the drivers are part time artists,
writers, athletes, actors, doctors,
programmers, musicians, linguists,
geologists, etc. etc., supplementing their
studies/research by part time driving.
Regardless of the obscurity of your
specialisation, Taxi-pedia has a driver,
speaking the language of your choice.
"Hello - do you have a driver who knows
about the breeding habits of deep water
Fangtooth (Anopologaster cornuta) and
can speak Armâneashti ?" "ehhhh can you
hold the line.....MAX - get in here!!!"
'Expert decision-making in burglars'
http://observer.gua.../0,,1869029,00.html
No mention of whether these burglars work for Taxi-pedia [imaginality, Sep 10 2006]
The Monkey that got away
http://www.flickr.c...53023@N00/90301835/
Taxi-pedia were so impressed that they hunted the monkey down and offered it a job on reception. [skinflaps, Jan 25 2012]
Expertise
http://www.ncbi.nlm...articles/PMC535980/
how to recognise experts [xenzag, Oct 22 2015]
[link]
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"Hi, is that Taxi-pedia?" |
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"Where are you going?" ""I need a taxi to pick me up from a house that I've just burgled" "Sure thing we'll send Fred to pick you up, in fact he's here to talk to you on the blower right now." |
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"watch ya guv' Fred 'ere but for this pickup you'll call me Jack, right? Don't want any slip ups. Now owd you get out? window? back door? chimney?" |
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"I'm still in the gaff using their phone to speak to you Fre...I mean Jack" |
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"Oi right mate, owdya get in?" |
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"I sent me monkey Charlie in through a gap in a open window, he unlatched it from the inside for me so's I could climb in" |
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"Ah, the old cheeky chimp and winda trick, Bert Lampard, 103 Wendley gardens, Landon,1967,classic job it was.It's now called the monkey Lampard technique" |
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"didn't know that Fre..Jack" |
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"Anyone else in the 'ouse guv?" |
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"Dunno, it's pretty dark in 'ere and me torch batteries are runnin a bit low and Charlie's gone an' done a runner" |
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"Ah, the old chimp done a runner routine,Pete the chimp did a runner on his mate Bill Perksy, 23 Harbour Road, West Bensley, 1971, poor sod got 6 months in the slammer 'cause Pete 'ad gone an scarpered. His previous monkey,.. 56c Ednin Road, Tootling, summer of 1970, started trashing the place, tearing the place apart he was, 'e even left a monkey present in the fruit bowl, Bill was in a 'ell of a state, he's trying to rob the gaff down stairs whilst his bleedin monkey's jumping up an' down,up an' down on some poor sod's bed upstairs, 'ell of a din goin on, he went down for two turns at the ol dock and clock for that job , calls it doin the monkey we does" |
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"Best bet me ol mucker is to find a back way outa there" |
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"Bugger! me torch is flicking on 'n' orf Fre..Jack" |
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"Ah, the ol'on 'n' orf flash light,Arnold Tibbs, 2nd bank of Tupping Hill, 1967, caught red handed he was, some geezer alerted the ol bill about seeing disco lights in the bank, they pinched him on the spot and threw him in the back of the bacon sandwich and straight down the nick, Call it the ol disco nick" |
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"I didn't know that Fred" |
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"Listen up guv if we're gonna get you outa there you gota call me Jack. Robbie Knight, 47b Moseley street, 1974, he got nicked cause his buddy kept shouting his real name throughout the manor,stupid sod didn't realise that he was robbing the owner of the local newsagents,we call it the ol blart yer gob nick" |
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"ehrrr..right Jack didn't know that, me torch has gone completely now, I can't see a bleedin thing Ja..Fre Jack!" |
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"Right then guv, can you remember where you are in the gaff?" |
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"Er..not really Fre..Jack, somewhere downstairs in the hallway I think" |
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"Ah, Jonny Brown, 3a Rosemount Gardens, 1983, Stupid bugger got lost in a house he was doin over, tripped on a loose cable and fell 'ed first onto a bloke and his missis's bed whilst they were avin abit of a kip, calls it the 'caught with yer trousers down' job, you still with me guv?" |
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"Err..yeah Fre..Jack, it's bloomin dark in 'ere, maybe if I shuffle about abit I might catch a bit of street light through a winda" |
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"Ah, Henry thieving Gordon, 78 Floral mews,1968, the neighbors at 77 heard him shuffling about as he was robbing the place an called the old bill and complained that they heard dancing, calls it the shuffle Gordon we do" |
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"I didn't know that Fre..Jack, I need to get outa here! I got my swag, done a goodun 'ere all sorts of silva vase an that, I think I can see abit a light through a curtain" |
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"Good on ya guv,mind that you're all quiet mate as you check it out, reminds me of Ken the Hatch, 52b Canterbury Cresent, 1971, Ken 'ad is loot all tucked up in his duffle bag when this bleedin parrot went orf on one squacking it's little head orf, it was, ol' Ken tried to get out as quietly as he could when the parrot pooped on him, dropped his swag of radios an that making a hell of a din! 3 months he got 'cause of that parrot, we call it the Pieces of swag turnaround" |
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"Ehmm..I didn't know that, I think I've found a winda Fre..Jack and I've got me bag o' swag intact" |
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"Good goin guv, now are ya front or back of the house?" |
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"Dunno, I can't move much further the telephone cable is as far as it will go, I'll ava peek through the curtains" |
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"Ok, guv it's important to know whether you're gonna be coming outa the front or back of the house so's I can come an get ya. Tom Desmond, 89 Thistle Close, Worthing, 1985, Stupid sod got all disorientated didn't he, couldn't tell his arse from his elbow, thought that he was at the rear of the place he had just robbed, he climbed out the winda straight into the old bill's lap at the front, call it the lost mans time" |
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"Eehh..didn't know that..Fre..Jack, I think I'm at the back of the house, looks like there's a long alley or sumpthin lit up by a street lamp" |
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"Right you are guv,can you get out?" |
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"The winda seems a bit open I'll try an lift it up and climb out, how long before you can get here Ja..Fr..Jack?" |
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"Depends guv, what's the address?" |
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"I don't know? Fr..Jack, that bleedin monkey brought me 'ere an now it's scarpered" |
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"Mmmm..Eddie Thrush, No1 Canal Close, Camden, 1977, Eddie turned over a gaff and never checked the address he was doin over,he walked outa a open back door and fell straight into the drink, the ol bill and the river rescue lot had to pull him out, they got him there 'n' then, he snagged his goodies on a old bicycle in the canal, pulled him out with loot and bike 'n' all, call it the swim to the rosers" |
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"Errgh..I didn't err know..that Jac..Fre..Jack, anyways, how's it you ended up beein a taxi driver?" |
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"Saw me crime guv,.. saw me crime, time for the straight an narra.
See if you can climb through the winda, put the phone down and don't hang up, find a street sign come back and tell me where ya are and I'll nip round and pick ya up" |
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"Ok, I'll put the handset on the floor and go and have a look..Be back in a mo".. |
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"Is that you guv? did ya find out where you are?" |
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"Who is this? I've just come down stairs to find that my telephone handset was on the floor, the window is wide open and my house has been burgled! Who are you?" |
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"This is Fred..I mean Jack, so you've been done over and the guv's done a bunk, eh?" |
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"Seems that way,.. guv?, eh? who am I talking to?" |
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"I've told you, Jack!.. from Taxi-pedia, you need pickin up?" |
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"I'VE JUST BEEN BURGLED!" |
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"Ah..Can't 'elp you on this one me ol' china, you'll need our cabbie Hugo he's ex crime squad, he's here now, I'll pass him the blower, av a wag" |
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"Hello this is Hugo, I understand that you've just been burgled and need picking up" |
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"ah.. Wesley Rushton, 45 tuppin street, 1985, had his house burgled, took us six months to solve that one.....Hello?..where are you going?.." |
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[+] for the fun.(and your idea:) |
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[skinflaps]... I was about to read all that, but then I thought nah, I'll wait for the movie. |
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I'm sorry [skinflaps], but could you repeat
that in Urdu for your next driver? + for
your annotation (that should be possible) -
longest one ever? |
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Bloody nutter.
(Excellent work Mr. [flaps]!) |
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Would that it were possible to bun an annotation. |
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Been wished for many a time, but not in the cards, goes beyond the site design criteria. |
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We could start something informal, a baker could state "bun for the anno" and the next person to agree could state "second bun for the anno" but it will never have the cachet of the system it's trying to emulate. |
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"So we just pulled into the port, and, er... um... we're ahh looking for a good time with the aha ladies, if you know what I mean..." |
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"Oh, certainly. We'll have "Cynthia" pick you boys up. You could also talk to her now for just $9.99 per minute." |
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"That's OK, we'd rather just get down to the whor... DISCO CLUB." |
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"Hi, I'm Cynthia. You boys wanna ride?" |
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"You bet. where are we going?" |
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"Not very far. just into the back seat." |
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Maybe there should be SOME fields in which Taxi-pedia does not employ experts in the field... |
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...cab pulls up and the lights go off. The driver gets out and opens the trunk, looks around, then whistles twice. |
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A man in dark clothing emerges from the bushes, dragging a body by the heels. The driver helps boost the body into the trunk, and they drive off. |
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" There's always the bay, and some bricks, but if you're good for the fare, in a few hours we could be at the abandoned mineshafts ". |
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Bun just for the annos, though the idea is brilliant. |
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"Yeah, can I please have an expert on masoleums and graveyards that are still in use in the Edinburgh area? I'm -uh- looking for someone" |
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"Yes sir, although you must sign a disclaimer document. We have a specialised girl who can take you around there. Would you like to speak to her now?" |
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"Hi, this is Abby. I hear you're 'looking' for someone in the graveyard?" |
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"If you want I can bring a shovel..." |
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[froglet], that is just wrong. I didn't even get what you were talking about until the last line. |
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The recruitment trap springs shut on
[Angel] - you just passed the test! There's
a pick up of a Mr Phil Niblock needed, now
get going, and remember he likes to drone
on a lot, so keep the conversation to an
appropriate minimum. |
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(incidentally 'In C' is amazing, especially so
at one of its rare live performances) |
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Nice idea.
Ah, skinflaps, halfbakery 2006. We calls that the old 'rolling in the aisles' anno we does. |
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I'm advocating Skinflaps wins an Anno-
Dominate-Award hence forth to be
referred to as an [ADA] |
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"Hi, I need picking up from St. Pauls and dropping home to East Dulwich and I want someone who can help me figure out an amusing response to a hilarious halfbakery anno on the way. My mind's a blank." |
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"Hold on a tick... Yes, Skinflaps can get you in about ten minutes." |
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What can I say? Bun for the idea, bun for the annos, bun for everything! |
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London's cabbies used to be like this |
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Used to be.Is London still there, or have they moved it? |
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Wow. I'm glad this got churned. A heartfelt [+] for a superb annotation! |
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Nah, you don't need thousands of drivers, you just
need a handful of really good cold readers, and one
or two dispatchers with access to wikipedia and the
driver's earpiece. |
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// I just can't see how it could work// definition of a half
baked idea..... Besides, in cities like London or New York
there are many thousands of taxis.
'In 1986 there were
19,000 drivers and 14,000 cabs in London - in 1996 there
were 22,000 licensed drivers and 17,000 licensed cabs.'
'There are about 50,000 taxis operated in Tokyo.'
'There are currently 13,087 yellow cabs on the road in New
York City, plus over 40,000 other for-hire vehicles, such as
town cars and executive cars, all regulated by the Taxi and
Limousine Commission.'
'The city with more taxis is Lima, Peru with more than 210,000 taxis.
The second one is Mexico City with over 108,000 registered cabs.' |
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All contactable by phone regardless of company....Taxipedia is a bit like google. It has many tentacles. You phone them first, but your actual driver may work for Wandsworth Taxis. That company gets a percentage of the business etc etc. |
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Max - you passed the test, and you are now certified to be our latest Taxi-pedia driver. Positions always open. We are currently recruiting dysteleology experts! (see also last link) |
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