Strawberry Deseeder

The clink of teacups, the gentle rustle of crinolines, the thwack of willow on linen... ah, summer. However, for some, this idyll is spoiled by Mother Nature, who in her infinite wisdom added pips - pips! - to strawberries. Apparently, this is not to everyone's taste. I was alerted to this because my boss at work is one of them - apparently, it's the feeling of them between your teeth. And yet, to date nobody has developed either (a) a pipless strawberry, or (b) a device for removing the pips.

This is intolerable. What has Civilisation been doing with its time, for goodness' sake? Frittering it, that's what. Putting some eedjet on the moon, apparently, when we have perfectly good cheese right here, next to the paté.

Therefore, I suggest the following. A small, cylindrical frame is made - preferably of sterling silver, to go with the scone knife and the waiter spanker. This has a small silver dish in the bottom, surmounted by a silver mesh bowl (half of one of those tea strainer balls should do). At the very top of the device is a small mesh trampoline, made of a fine lace netting (preferably of Catalan manufacture - a far superior product). Immediately prior to partaking of the strawberry, one places it into the miniature trampoline net and holds it, leaves uppermost. A few brisk twists grates the surface off the strawberry, taking with it the pips, which fall through the netting and are captured in the silver mesh bowl. The juice collects in the bottom dish, to be added to Cook's gin in the kitchen later.

One can then partake of the freshly deseeded fruit.