Stock Market Beauty Pageant

In recent years, there have been a number of attempts to entice small mom 'n pop investors into the stock market with limited success, particularly with selling off public amenity companies to consumers, but I digress.

It seems that all this financial mumbo jumbo is way to much for Joe Average to handle, so why not establish a firm whose goal is to help these people invest by providing this potentially confusing information in a form they will understand. They can hire a number of accountants to search through financial statements, economists to try and look at performance et cetera, and industry insiders to put all the information into perspective, and using a very strict set of guidelines, produce a human form for a number of businesses. Afterwards, they can contact theatrical agencies, teeming with extras, and find the right person for the right company. The beauty pageant part is pretty self explanatory.

So, for example, Miss Microsoft. Miss Microsoft is a relatively young, but not so thin lady: not genteel, she reeks of 'new money'. She moves onto the stage conspicuously slowly, and is slow to react to the host's questions. After being asked various questions she leaves uneasy silent gaps, but whenever somebody else tries to fill in these gaps and answer questions for her, she reacts violently and physically attempts to push them off the stage. She bribes the judges and perverts the judging system.

Of course not all companies have to be young girls: this is the post-90s. The older companies would be typically anthropomorphised into the cigar chewing, spirits swilling, bourgeois. It's really up to the investors to judge what they want to look for in a company, and invest.