Spot on bowel

There's a problem with bowel health in the western world. Poor diet leads to transit times of the order of days instead of the medically optimum 12 to 24 hours.

I propose a new sport.

Competitors consume a suitably indigestible marker and monitor their stools to ensure complete marker delivery within an optimum window. Marks will be awarded for maximum delivery in a single visit whilst ensuring proximity to the optimum time of 18 hours. The perfect score of 100% would correspond to complete delivery at exactly 18 hours after the consumption. Back-room committees of the sport's governing body would define suitable scoring tables combined with handy hygiene tips.

Competitors would need to maintain their bodies in tip-top condition and consume a healthy diet to ensure optimum performance. Consumption of laxatives would be inadvisable as this may cause early and frequent delivery. This would be sport accessible to all where young and old, male and female could compete on equal terms.

The question of the indigestible markers is important. For gifted amateurs, sweetcorn would be the food of choice. For Olympic competitors however, sweetcorn would be inadequate. Instead, personalised RFIDs would be employed with automated counting closets to ensure objective, faecal fairness.

Given the obvious health benefits and consequent health care savings, political support over a sustained period will ensure the necessary cultural change to make the sport a popular alternative.

Hang on, I feel a personal best coming on...