h a l f b a k e r yMake mine a double.
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Brass instruments are simply lovely - tubas, souzaphones,
French horns, cornets,
stopffungbugels, trumpets...
Of course, problems arise when people decide to try
playing them. Quite apart
from the noises they make, there is an additional
unsavoury aspect to brass
instruments: every few
minutes, the player has to get
the spit out of them.
Depending upon the instrument in question, this may
involve complex three-axis
rotations, rather like trying to get a marble out of one of
those mazes. Or the
instrument may have one or more spit-valves which can
be operated slightly more
discreetly. In either case, though, it is not a pretty
sight.
Fortunately, MaxCo. has the answer, as always. Our
"Spit-be-Gone" range of brass
instruments (available in all forms from the diminutive
B-sharp pfeffenspatze right
up to an F-ubertuba) are each equipped with one or
more internally-mounted
nichrome heating elements located at the low-points of
the plumbing. Power comes
from a convenient non-tangling mains lead (please
specify length when ordering:
solo, orchestral or marching band).
The heating elements maintain a constant 120°C,
ensuring that spit is vaporized as
fast as it accumulates, emerging as inoffensive steam.
Of course, over time the heating elements will become
engrunged with the non-
volatile components of saliva. However, an inobtrusive
switch can periodically
activate the self-cleaning function, causing the heating
elements to reach over
450°C for a few minutes.
Spit-be-Gone instruments eliminate the unsavoury
practice of having to disgorge
accumulated saliva mid-way through a performance - but
there is more! The plumes
of steam emanating from the instrument can
immediately tell a conductor which
members of the brass section are really playing, and
which are merely paying lip
service.
Warmed.Brass Band
Warmed_20Brass_20Band
Prior art, extensible to the the whole horn and higher temps. [csea, Dec 13 2015]
[link]
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Better, shirley, to heat the whole instrument to a uniform 37°C, and prevent the moisture from condensing in the first place? |
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Since we woodwind players are morally obligated to pull
practical jokes on the brassists, I'm left wondering how
effective a flamethrower would be created by an ounce of
high-test tater juice in a Sousaphone. |
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//prevent the moisture from condensing// The
problem is not condensation (unless you're
playing in a cold room). The viscosity of the
effluvium indicates that it's mostly good old
fashioned spit. |
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//an ounce of high-test tater juice in a
Sousaphone// Most of the brass players I know
would just suck before they started playing. |
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Sadly, not all of them stop sucking thereafter. |
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[link] for related prior art. |
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[csea], if I were fighting a patent case, I would point
out that (a) your prior art makes no mention of
purposefully evaporating accumulated saliva (b) the
temperatures proposed in your prior art would be
underadequate for the timely evaporation of said
saliva and (c) increasing the temperature of your
prior art to temperatures suitable for the timely
evaporation of saliva would cause injury to the
player. |
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The expansion of the instrument (ooer missus!) would affect the tuning - not an insurmountable problem but it would require instruments to be tuned differently and they would only sound 'correct' at 120°C. I assume the user of the tuba, trumpet or whatever would be issued with heatproof gloves?
An alternative approach, along the same lines, would be to have a gas line feed into the instrument. Little peizo sparkers on the valves would ignite the gas and the resulting flames would vaporise spit. The flames belching from the mouth of the tuba, trumpet or whatever would look cool. |
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Ah, but, [hippo], the heating elements are
restricted
to a couple of spit-pooling low-points in the
instrument. With careful design, the overall
tuning
should not alter significantly, and heat-proof
gloves
should not be required. |
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As a bonus, an additional attachment on the
outside
of the instrument, close to the heating elements,
would enable waffles to be made. |
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MaxCo. is also evaluating the use of Spit-be-Gone
tubas in popcorn-popping mode. |
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I still think flames would be nice - I went to an excellent, candlelit production of Handel's Messiah last night which would have been enhanced further by gently flickering gas flames coming from the brass section. |
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I think scientific investigation is needed, to determine the relative percentage of saliva and condensate in the dribblings from the spit valves of different brass instruments. I would expect to find a higher amount of spit in larger instruments, but also a larger amount of condensate. So it is not entirely clear how the percentage would vary by instrument size. I would expect significantly more condensate than saliva. |
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(Of course mouthpiece size is probably more important than instrument size, but they tend to correlate). |
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[Max} your localised heater will vapourise the spit-condensate mixture, which will then condense a few inches further along and dribble back to where it started. |
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//mains lead// How about powering the device using a bore-mounted wind turbine? |
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//bore-mounted wind turbine// That would be a
French horn player. |
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