Sonar Claus

For some people, Christmas can be a wretched, lonely, dispiriting experience. Imagine being crammed into a metal tube, breathing recycled air, eating reconstituted food, little space, no privacy, surrounded on all sides by people you may not like or get on with, other people's body odour and unwashed clothing, no real space to lie down and relax, never knowing where you are or when you're going to arrive, subject to arbitrary and sometimes irrational orders, the constant hum and drone of machinery.

Well, it's your own fault. You could have stayed at home, rather then booking a flight on EasyJet ....

Things are a little better for submarine crews, but not much. At least they're being paid.

However, to cheer them up, they can look forward to a Christmas visit from Sonar Claus. On the 25th of December, a fat, jolly man in a red and white escape/survival suit shins down the periscope mast and brings gifts to all those who have been Good in the previous year. From small gifts of edible treats, to DVDs and audiobooks, right up to supercavitating nuclear-armed homing torpedeoes*, everyone gets something to cheer them up and make the routine of long patrols that little bit more bearable.

*A special oversize stocking may be needed; you don't want it just rolling round the deck, or propped up in a corner.