h a l f b a k e r yNaturally, seismology provides the answer.
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Most of the smoke a cigarette produces is wasted. Smokers only puff on their ciggies about 50% of the time in our observations.
To give them the full benefit, burn the cigarette inside a tube with a small one way valve at the end. Have a bypass injection valve that allows some of the stored smoke
into the mouthpiece. When the cigarette is "inactive", the smoke will be stored in the tube. When the smoker sucks on the mouthpiece, they get extra smoke - none is wasted.
The tube needs to be big enough to hold enough oxygen to keep the ciggie alight between puffs. It also acts as an ash catcher.
Thus they will inhale more nicotine. Their tiny, shriveled, brains will shrivel even faster under the influence of the extra dose. So will their peripheral limbs. They will die sooner, thus ridding your planet of this unsavoury habit. Then put them in wheelie coffins, and wheel them away to the crematoria.
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Nah, teach them to smoke roll-ups. They burn slower, and they go out if you leave them lying around. Far more economical. And you don't have to put a filter in. There's a reason the evil cigarette companies make their fags burn efficiently - makes you buy more, to smoke the same amount. (not entirely off-topic but quite far off: I learned the meaning of the name 'Toploader' last week [toploader is the name of a UK soft guitarry trendy pop band] - it's a derogatory term for someone who rolls a spliff and loads all the weed at the end so that by etiquette of "roller, owner, the rest" order of smoking it, the toploading roller person gets all the 'benefit' of the weed from the first few drags on the spliff. Interesting huh. OK, not.) |
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What would you do with the smoke from the crematoria? |
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Bottle it. Mail the bottles to smokers, with a little note saying "This is where you're heading, chum.". Gloat. |
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There's a type of pipe called the smokeless pipe that already does a similar job...it holds the tobacco (or the other stuff it's designed for...) in a screw on piece at the end. I'm not sure how it works, but I assume it restricts the amount of air contacting the burning substance, allowing just enough to keep it glowing. No smoke comes out at all, so however it works, it seems effective. Unfortunately, a lot of smoke is wasted when the smokers breathe out (I can't remember the figures, but I'll take a random stab at 50-70%). So we need to teach smokers to hold the smoke in their lungs for longer, as this seems to somehow lower the amount of (visible) by-products. Cigarettes seem to be the biggest mystery in today's society - why do they exist? |
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