I thought I'd posted this before, but I haven't.
So.
Losing weight is an ongoing battle for most adults in developed
countries. It's all evolution's fault: we have been selected to enjoy
energy-rich foods when they are available, and to pile on the fat
as a
safeguard against the inevitable
famine.
Unfortunately, famine has now become not only evitable, but
actually evited.
It's even worse, though: when we try to simulate a famine by
dieting, our clever metabolisms slow down and hoard every calorie
to help see us through.
This is not good news for a freelance consultant topologist in his
very
late twenties.
A digression:
A while ago, I went through a brief phase of climbing trees with
my
daughter, Maxwell Jr. It only lasted a couple of weeks, and we
only climbed a dozen modest trees, but during this time I
lost about 10lb, even though I was probably developing a few
extra
muscles.
This led me to think. If evolution is as smart as it thinks it is,
then it
should not be concerned solely with protecting against famine, but
with ensuring my survival in all contexts. Since we evolved
from
treeish creatures, there should be some genes in there that
respond
to the sound of creaking branches and the sensation of bending
boughs, by saying "Whoa! We're back in the trees! Better shed
some
excess weight before we break something and die!" (Evolution
just
loves exclamation marks.)
This would explain why my brief flirtation with tree-climbing led
to
a sudden and un-earned weight loss. My good-old monkey genes
were looking out for me and dumping fat.
End of digression.
So.
MaxLite, Inc. (a wholly-owned subsidiary of MaxTax offshore
investments) is proud to introduce its range of Skinny Monkey (tm)
slimming shoes.
Skinny Monkeys (available in a wide range of colours and flavours)
look like regular shoes, but have a cunningly designed two-inch
platform sole.
The platform sole has the advantage of lowering your BMI as soon
as
you put the Skinny Monkeys on, but it also has a more ingenious
mode of action.
Each pair of Skinny Monkeys contains a carefully-calibrated
mechanism which, when subjected to more than a certain load,
will
cause the platform to produce a creaking noise, then a splintering
noise, and then to collapse assymetrically, throwing you off
balance
in an alarming and potentially hazardous way.
Once collapsed, the Skinny Monkey platform can be re-set using a
small lever in the arch of the shoe.
You will soon learn to walk lightly, and to tread gingerly when
walking up or down stairs. You will constantly be attuned to the
creaking noise which preceded an embarrassing collapse, and your
monkey-brain will quickly get the message and take action.
Be amazed as the weight simply falls off! As it does so, simply
adjust your Skinny Monkey Slimming Shoes, setting them to
collapse
at ever-lower loads.
Each pair is supplied with a lovingly embroidered disclaimer,
unique
to Skinny Monkey Slimming Shoes. Skinny Monkey Slimming Shoes
- you heard it here first.