Singing Tickets

It's one of those funny little mysteries; why, in a country which is supposedly one of the most civilized in the world, people don't talk to each other on trains. Being a shy and retiring type, I always end up consumed with curiosity. Who are all these people? Where are they going? What are their quests? What are their favourite colours? What little missions of mercy are they engaged on, criss-crossing the country at all hours? One question, however, always burns uppermost: How long am I going to have to spend cooped up with these people?

Traditionally, the way to discover this is to strike up a conversation, and casually ask where they are headed for. Then you can spend the rest of the journey basking in the relief of knowing that they're getting off an hour before you. But dammit, what is technology for if not to relieve us of the terrible burden of having to talk to people?

Hence the singing ticket. Utilizing the same technology as singing Christmas cards (and if you haven't come across them then you're very, very lucky), the ticket comes in a folded, pocket-sized format. When unfolded, it sings out in a cutesy little high-pitched voice "I'm going to [insert destination here]!" For added cutesiness, different companies would have different voices (Virgin Trains will have a little synthesized Japanese-schoolgirl voice, obviously). Then everyone will know where you are going, and can breath a sigh of relief knowing they can look forward to a couple of hours of uninterrupted legroom once you've taken your basketball-tall, empire-state carcass off the train and back to whatever hole you crawled from.

Just think how much more pleasant journeys would be once this sort of information is free to all! And just imagine how long it will take before thousands of piping, synthesized voices reduce ticket inspectors to shotgun-toting rage!