Simon Says Crossings

Car drivers already have a lot going for them. Governments build new roads, councils keep the roads clean, TV stations aim adverts at them, cyclists bounce nicely off their bonnets.

But there's one flaw - one reminder that cars aren't always king. Not road laws or traffic lights - those are necessary evils. And with traffic lights, you're giving away to other cars - a meeting of equals. No, it's pedestrian crossings that are the one element preventing the all-conquering car culture from conquering all. Having to stop for pesky pedestrians? Grr!

Removing all pedestrian crossings might be tempting, but impractical - some unfortunate souls might be marooned on one side of the road, never to find out if the concrete really is cleaner on the other side. There is something we can do, though - if car drivers do have to stop, let's make it fun for them. And what could be more fun than watching pedestrians make fools of themselves?

Enter the Simon Says Crossing. When it's red, it says "don't walk". But when it's green, it doesn't say "walk" - well, rarely. It might say, "Crawl across the road, scum," or, "Skip merrily on your way," or, "Bow to the cars as you cross the road, wretch."

With the law stating that you have to cross in the manner directed, and with fines for jaywalking increased to encourage compliance, car drivers are guaranteed some light entertainment on their journey. Each crossing would only change its message daily, to prevent patient pedestrians waiting for a better fate.

Not only does this reward car owners for their greater contribution to the national economy, but it also helps fuel the oil empire. With increasing numbers of pedestrians becoming so frustrated and humiliated that they resort to the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" approach, car sales and gas sales will rocket.

Simon Says Crossings could create a more prosperous economy, and complete the transition to a car-centred culture. All that and you get to see people do the funky chicken as they cross the road. What more could you, Mr Car Driver, want? Vroom!