Self-milking Cows

Fit cows with a belt-like strap around their mid-sections, from which a bucket (or pail, if you prefer) will hang. Durable rubber bellows will be attached to the hooves of said cows. These bellows will be attached via hoses to inflatable doughnut-shaped rings around the cows' teats, from which milk is traditionally squeezed.

As the cow walks, the bellows will alternately be compressed. This process will regularly inflate and deflate the doughnuts attached to the teats, resulting in a milking action. The bucket slung under the animals' udder will, of course, be used to catch the milk as it is produced.

To preserve the dignity, and perhaps comfort, of the herd, remote-controlled timers may be fitted to the apparatus. These will allow the farmer to control the times of day during which the action of walking will produce a milking action - when deactivated, a valve on the bellows will simply open, giving an alternate route for air to escape. Throughout the day, the farmer and/or his assistants will travel the farm on quad-bikes (or unicycles, if they desire) collecting the contents of the buckets.