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Audience noise is troublesome during classical performances. Usually this is coughing during quiet parts. Occasionally there is a sneeze or a phlegm-rattle. These sorts of noises are generally accepted as unavoidable by audiences.
I propose that a new classical-style orchestral piece be written
which incorporates such noises. Audience plants would actually be performers. Initially noises would seem to be the spontaneous regular sorts of things. As the piece proceeds, the noises occur more frequently, sometimes together, and timed with the performance. Other audience members would at first be irritated, but by 3/4 thru the performance it is clear to all that these sounds are not random and that they are part of the piece. At this point the range spreads out to include other previously silent audience plants including fussy toddler, talking ushers, and a mass ring of cellphones.
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It could hardly be less attractive than the works of either Stockhausen or Schoenberg... |
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Is this idea negatively affected by my strong desire to punch people who make the avoidable noise (coughing doesn't trigger it, fussy toddler might with the parent as the target, talking or cell-phone both are punch worthy offenses as far as I'm concerned). |
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At the point where noise seems punchworthy, things are changing fast enough that audience members will experience the punch urge only for a minute or two. |
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I envision at the end the conductor turning to conduct the assembled coughs and snorts. Quickwitted folks like MikeD might join the participants. The orchestra members too might get cell calls or double over in paroxysms of sneezing. |
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Would be great background music for hospitals and
doctors' offices as well. |
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Do what you like, just leave us the one that dropped the box of Maltesers in the back row of the stalls in a raked auditorium .... |
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Ironically, it's pretty quiet here. |
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[+] But:
If this is supposed to take the audience by surprise,
then
1) It's more of a practical joke than a work of art
2) You could only get away with one, or a few
performances before it became an open secret. |
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I like it better if the audience knows that audience noise
is a part of the performance. Was that the original
intention? |
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You still get a joke, that way, but it works like this: That
guy
over there whose cellphone is ringing. Should you shush
him for spoiling the performance, or is _that_ the
performance? What about the idiot who's shushing him?
And so on. |
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