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Due to the medically detrimental process of selective
breeding, the unfortunate dachshund is prone to chronic
spinal discomfort.
To arrest this affliction I propose a unicycle attachment be
harnessed to the dog's midriff, thus supporting the animal's
back whilst retaining freedom of movement.
Alternatively,
a cluster of helium balloons be tied around it's
chest, to lessen the weight of it's elongated torso.
Would this work?
Baguette_20Transporter
[angel, Apr 05 2012]
Don't waste Helium!
http://www.guardian...balloons-squandered
[hippo, Apr 05 2012]
http://www.familyre.../img/dog-wheels.jpg
rear wheel drive version [xenzag, Apr 05 2012]
Illustration
http://oi40.tinypic.com/2w66uqx.jpg
I had a quiet day at work... [theleopard, Apr 11 2012]
Via Google's "Robert Doisneau" site
http://gbx.ru/uploa...st-3-1061397207.jpg
[Dub, Apr 14 2012]
(?) Wheelie Dog
http://bangordailyn...day/?ref=maineframe
I especially like the shot of him bouncing over the pipe. [Alterother, Apr 14 2012]
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Annotation:
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How about a cantilever system? Basically, a bridge
running from head to tail, supported by a collar and
a pair of structural pants, with a belt slung from its
middle to support the mid-region. |
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To prevent its restricting the animal's ability to turn,
it could even be hinged, as long as the hinge moved
only in the horizontal plane. |
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Dachshund exo-skeletons... I like it, people. |
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<awaits [zen_tom]-esque snowballing apocalyptic
rant in which dachshund-cyborgs overthrow and
enslave the human race> |
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<followed by [Dub] welcoming our new dachshund
overlords> |
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[MB] //cantilever// Isn't it an arch? |
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[+] for the 'awwww' factor, but surely an extra set of legs, prosthetic or otherwise, would be preferable. |
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[+] for canine humiliation, [-] for frivolous use of Helium - we're running out of Helium (see link) and shouldn't waste it on balloons. |
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True, until we get the hang of hydrogen fusion. Meanwhile hydrogen works fine in balloons... just remember not to spend to much time in the ones coated in thermite. |
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re: the idea, if we can't gengineer hexadachshunds, then we should give them bicycle undercarriages, not unicycles, so on the downhill runs they can tuck up their legs for speed. |
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At least one Dachshund has been equipped with a prosthetic support made from a child's lightweight plastic roller skate, and apparently improved the quality of the dog's life a great deal as it could then go for walks again, albeit only on paved surfaces. |
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...which implies that a mini-hovercraft attachment would be more functional. |
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//One of his key experiments, designed to probe the structure of matter, had to be cancelled – because the facility had run out of helium.// |
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He'll just to use a bent paper-clip, like the rest of us. |
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If this terrible problem cannot be alleviated by either a unicycle attachment, the cantilever system, balloons, roller skates, or hovercraft then surely a simple pointy stick, inserted into the animal's anus and then forced through its body until the pointy end emerges through the mouth would suffice? |
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Hey - some people are sporting croissants here and they are not shown up top! |
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I saw something like this in a Dr. Seuss book once. |
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Surely maglev is the right solution. |
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not that I mean to harp on it, but you could fit quite a few pairs of motorized prosthetic legs in there : |
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Dachshund suspension bridge. |
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[DrBob] - I don't think your skewering solution would be suitable, in that it would tend to quiet the constant "yap-yap-yap", which seems to be the only reason for even having said creature. |
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Seems like a ball caster would allow for greater
maneuverability. Or simply overfeed the dog until
its paunch drags on the ground, then grease it
regularly. |
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You could strap a hamster to its belly. |
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Tank tracks would allow for greater all-terrain
mobility. You could train the dog to lift up its legs
and control his movement by remote control. |
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"I'm just popping out to take the dog for a spin." |
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Arrange for the dog to live in a luxurious kennel. During the night, while the dog is lying down asleep on soft cushions, the kennel is accelerated upwards on powerful rockets. During the day, the kennel is allowed to fall back towards Earth. Some retardant, such as a retro rocket, can be used to adjust the apparent speed of fall, allowing the dog as much or as little weight on its back as it wishes. |
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A long walkway looping out from the kennel allows the dog to exercise. |
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I've refrained from posting this because, and I can't believe
I'm saying this, I didn't want to spoil all the fun, but quite a
few dachshunds develop back problems in mid-late life and
are fitted with wheeled slings to enable mobility, though
I've never seen a unicycle device. These used to be ad hoc
devices but now are sold through veterinary suppliers.
Other dogs who have been paralyzed or lost one or both
rear limbs also use them. Unsurprisingly, we call them (the
dogs) 'wheelie dogs'. |
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The helium ballute-midriff sling mobility aid is interesting,
but might actually worsen certain conditions by placing
unnatural upward pressure at the arch of the spine. A
helium-suspended rump-sling might be healthier and more
amusing. |
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how' bout a vertical line of helium inflatable dachshunds suspended above the real one ? |
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The real dachshund would try to attack them. |
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Which would be hilarious, so I'm all for it. |
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Slow day at the office. Enjoy the illustration [linky]. |
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//How about a cantilever system? //
Very Heath-Robinson! |
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Going the other way, you could always gengineer dachshunds to have slinky-midsections. They'd have a much easier time with stairs that way. |
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Would this help male dachshunds go up stairs
forwards? |
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I was thinking about the mag-lev idea, which is fine if you don't mind your dog bound to a track. It does, however, open up Wipeout/F-Zero opportunities, in which to race your pets. |
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But think on... If we're happy with a set track, why not employ the meissner effect for that celestial floating-on-a-cloud look. I'm thinking Monkey Magic, but with a dachshund. |
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I can envision a costume for the weiner dog parade in which the very tolerant weiner dog drags along a comically long weinerdog-shaped fake back end. The true back legs are concealed by a set of bicycle like wheels. A concealed castor wheel rests between the fake back legs, which have levers such that they move in an animated fashion. |
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I've been pondering the mag-lev version. The dog doesn't
have to be on a track! You make a remote controlled
buggy that can move in any direction on the horizontal
plane. Upon that you place a sensor that detects where its
counterpart is and controls the movement of the buggy to
be in-line with it. Its counterpart is a massive magnet
strapped to the belly of the dachshund. |
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Portable mag-lev track. Easy! |
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I think, on reflection, that a midriff-support would interfere
with the natural evolutionary process. Hundreds of millions of
years ago, some lizards gradually lost their legs and became
snakes. Clearly, the Daschund is heading in the same
direction, and we should let nature take its course. The
weasel is a little bit further ahead with this process, but there
is still room in the niche. |
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I thought they might instead evolve a middle set of legs.
There are birth defects where mammals get extra limbs, so
it's conceivable, at least. |
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//birth defects... conceivable// Snort. |
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And the offoff-springspring of this genetic jumping gene shall be called Polly. Polly Dactyly. |
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// birth defects where mammals get extra limbs // |
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All sorts of peculiar things can occur, particularly in small, highly-inbred populations where there was a lack of genetic diversity ab initio. As a matter of fact, [MB]'s family are acknowledged experts on this subject. |
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Their family photograph album is ... quite astonishing. |
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"And this picture is of my grandfather, my father, my uncle and my brother-in-law." |
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"There's only one person in the picture." |
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// evolve a middle set of legs. // |
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Well, again, both [MB] and [bs0u] claim some passing acquaintance with biochemistry, so maybe they could do a bit of genetic tinkering and try crossing a Dachshund with a centipede. |
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Then again, all you might end up with is a very large four-legged insect that barks at postmen. |
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