Roller Bed

Being one of those strange people for whom sleep just seems to be an excuse for my body to start throwing itself around the place with gay abandon, I have terrible trouble with the bed linen. Invariably, when I wake up in the morning, I‘ve got the sheets tangled round my legs, the duvet half out of it’s cover and the pillows halfway across the bedroom floor.

Applying my mind to the sheet problem I’ve come up with the roller bed. Basically using the same mechanism as those roller towel thingies that you find in public lavatories and a bedsheet that’s a couple of times longer than the bed.

Instead of laying the sheet over the top of the mattress and then tucking it in, you feed it into the roller mechanism at the foot of the bed and, using a hand crank and a series of rollers like on a mangle; or a button and a set of servos if you're more technologically inclined, pull the sheet under the mattress. When the end of the sheet emerges at the head end you pull it up and over the mattress, covering it’s length, and feed the end of the sheet back into the mechanism at the foot end again. Wind the sheet on a bit and lock the mechanism to secure your sheet in place.

Seems like a lot of effort to go to, I agree and I wouldn’t have bothered with this if there wasn’t an additional benefit.

Another consequence of my unconscious callisthenics is that I often wake up with my head jammed up against the headboard at some strange angle and end up with a stiff neck all day. A proximity sensor installed in the headboard could be used in conjunction with the roller bed to gently move the sheet and you back down the mattress whenever your head got too close to the end of the bed, thus saving you from having to endure those days when you spend the whole time unable to look in a particular direction due to the pain in your neck. And that’s the roller bed. Ta da!

(nb: I haven't come up with anything to prevent pillow and duvet abuse yet but when I do, rest assured, you will be the first to hear about it).