h a l f b a k e r yBaker Street Irregulars
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Train flocks to circle above crowds (in training simulated by papier-mache statues).
When an unwanted demonstration starts, deliver the unmarked cooing crates to the roofs of adjacent buildings, feed them something incontinentifying and ...
"Release the Pigeons !"
Dickin medal
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dickin_Medal
[po, May 10 2012]
War Pigeons.
http://en.m.wikiped...ar_pigeon#section_4
[Dub, May 10 2012]
Halfbaked GPS - Global Pigeoning System
http://www.independ...te-fly-2356501.html
[Dub, May 10 2012]
Google's Pigeon Ranking System
http://www.google.c...ogy/pigeonrank.html
[Dub, May 10 2012]
Cry "Chuck-chuck!", and let slip the hens of war!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Peacock
[AbsintheWithoutLeave, May 11 2012]
How To Deal With Rabbits ...
http://en.wikipedia...Operation_Hurricane
The British did try to help .... [8th of 7, May 13 2012]
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the clever things would all fly off home. |
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They're bombing pigeons not homing pigeons. Food is set out on the ledges to keep them topped up. |
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Nice. That way, they can be literally shit upon by
the government, rather than just metaphorically. |
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The obvious solution would be to bring an umbrella
to any protests, but that would make it hard to hold
up your "9/11 was an inside job!!!" sign. [+] |
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If the protesters were taxpayers objecting to
governmental policies, then the phenomenon
of being repeatedly shat on from a great
height would be so deliciously ironical as to
attain a form of surreal beauty. |
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To really rub it in, you want birds of prey to swoop down and tear chunks of flesh off the demonstrators, then shit on them. |
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… while a chorus of immaculately-preened
Mynah birds and Parrots
assure the injured, miserable, blood-streaked
and shit-bespattered victims that "It's for
your own good"… |
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One shotgun is all it would take to disperse them. |
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// One shotgun is all it would take to disperse them. // |
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Errr, the pigeons, or the rioters ... ? |
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people always underestimate the intelligence of pigeons. they'll eat what you give them and move on.
you can only *train* them as such to come home - bit like cats really, they know where the warmth and regular feeding is to be had! they're not stoopid metal robots, they're extremely intelligent animals. if you doubt what I say - do some research! |
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Pigeon are basically flying rats. Being a pigeon-
fancier is a bit like keeping rats as pets... suspect,
irrational, 5-cats-mad kinda behaviour that doesn't
land you in an institution only because they're
already full. |
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Yes, he is, but in this case (for once) he's right. |
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The nearest thing to a flying rat is a fruit bat or maybe a flying squirrel, which are actually quite attractive little creatures and do not make annoying coo-ing noises at 0400 on a Sunday morning, nor do they crap copiously and corrosively on newly polished and waxed motor vehicles. |
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"Get a gun, KILL 'EM ALL !" |
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// underestimate the intelligence of pigeons // |
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Tautology. There are chickens that are smarter than pigeons. There are things that grow on week-old bread that are smarter than pigeons. There are even deeply-buried layers of sedimentary rock that are a LOT smarter than the majority of pigeons. |
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8th I love you but I know pigeons better than you do - they are smart. as a military-minded person, look up the most awarded animals in war! |
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as a birder - I always say that if there were just 1 pair of mating pigeons in the UK, twitchers would wet themselves for a view. because they are so successful as a species, they are totally ignored and rubbished. RIP my dear friend fred. |
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and don't get me started on seagulls and crows - they are amazing! |
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Cry havoc, and let slip the pigeons of war! |
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Crows ARE smart. Gulls are handy for judging the weather.
Pigeons get the medals. |
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// the most awarded animals in war! // |
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That's right. The only homiothermic eukaryote dumber than a squaddie ... |
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//instinct that even cats have been known to exhibit. // |
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.. the same way they delight in burying their stinking excrement in other people's herbaceous borders. |
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// I've seen them fly headfirst into hangar doors. // |
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// There's a reason the term 'bird-brained' isn't handed out as a compliment. // |
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[21], not so. They also tried to use them to guide missiles. |
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Whereas chickens made great pies! Was a chicken ever
mentioned is dispatches? |
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// a natural intelligence that doesn't exist. // |
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// chickens made great pies! // |
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Pigeon pie is pretty damned good, actually. |
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Well, that's something we agree on, then. |
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//they are smart. as a military-minded person |
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Sorry I just clocked a few typo's, the missing "as" and the superfluous full-stop. |
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"they are as smart as a military-minded person" |
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Anyway, Japanese crows would be much better, they are just small, flying velociraptors |
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The Romans found they were tasty and brought them
to Europe from their natural habitat in North Africa.
Then again, the Romans also thought the dormouse
was the last word in culinary delicacy. |
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I assume some escaped from Rome and made their
way back to Carthage, so they figured out they were
not only tasty but could be expected to turn up at a
certain point, presumably to be eaten. |
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[po] the avians are neither folded, spindled nor mutilated in any way; rather they're well fed, exercised and occasionally given the opportunity to crap all over people with impugnity. |
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I thought this section of the Wikipedia article on homing pigeons was worth copying here: |
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Characteristic of Good intelligent Pigeon |
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Pigeon eye's pupil acts as mirror which tells quality of pigeon.If piegon have small eye's
pupil(middle round part of eye) then it shows that pigeon is of good breed and quality.It
also shows intelligence of pigeon.The pigeons which have reflecting and transparent eyes
and smaller eye's pupil are often most intelligent,they will always return their home in
rain,storm and hot weather.These are the qualities of champion homing pigeons. |
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So I guess when it comes to pigeon intelligence, the eyes have it. |
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Beady little eyes... always watching, always plotting. |
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I was referring to the SMART pigeons, which have
presumably "gone rogue" and eaten their owners.
They're the ones with the "small pupil" (they also
kidnap schoolchildren, it seems). |
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//Sorry I just clocked a few typo's, the missing "as" and the superfluous full-stop. // no missing *as* or a superflous full-stop at all. |
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//look up the most awarded animals in war!//
If they were that smart, they'd've declared themselves conscientious objectors, and spent the war folding bandages or tilling the soil.
//Was a chicken ever mentioned is dispatches?//
Maybe not, but what about those brave, clever chickens who were to keep our nuclear mines in Germany working (linky), should the Cold War ever have warmed-up? |
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//If piegon have small eye's pupil |
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Those are just the coke snorting ones.. |
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There are easy ways to explode pigeons. I suggest we use minature geese instead. |
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//There are easy ways to explode pigeons.// |
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you are refering to the bicarb soda and vineagar method? I haven't tried it (nor do I want to) but it sounds a bit fishy to me.
I heartily agree with [21 quest] though. |
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Overheard in an RAF repair shed by a friend of mine: |
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"What the hell happened to *that* aircraft?"
"Bird strike, sir."
"Bird strike? What kind of bird?"
"Wood pigeon, sir. It was half way up a beech tree at the time." |
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One thing that has been overlooked in this discussion is the
regionally variable definition of 'pigeon'. |
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In North America, what we call a pigeon is actually an
American Rock Dove, a sort of greasy airborne shit-
dispenser that has about as much brainpower as its
namesake (either one of them). |
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In the UK, however, T.G.F.J. noted that the pigeon is an
altogether different breed of bird, a fat, red-eyed,
belligerent maniac possessed of the sort of base, malign
intelligence one normally associates with feral dogs or
Republican presidential candidates. Whilst camping on the
seashore at Southwold, we watched with amazement as
people were actually forced to move their tents to escape
the antics of these feathered demons. |
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I don't know what passes for a pigeon in Oz, but I can only
assume it's as venomous and nasty as every other creature
living in that overblown penal colony. I mean, if it survives
in a place that doesn't have very many poisonous snakes
because they were all killed by the spiders, it's got to be a
tough sunuvabitch. |
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So in further discussing the questionable merits of pigeons,
let us consider that there are many different types of
pigeon, some filthy and stupid, some relatively intelligent
and completely evil. |
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pigeons are like people - they live according to the conditions they are born to - born under a bridge in balham? not much of a future. born in wandsworth common - a mile away? fed well and often, live well, bathe often... |
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// a fat, red-eyed, belligerent maniac
possessed of the sort of base, malign
intelligence one normally associates with
feral dogs or Republican presidential
candidates. // |
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We think you'll find that's actually Scotsmen,
but it's easy to see how the confusion arises;
both species have an insatiable appetite for
fried food, are recidivistic mendicants, and
habitually perch in trees from whence they
crap on passers-by. |
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Like pigeons, repeated attempts to
exterminate them as a species have sadly so
far all failed. |
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// we watched with amazement as people
were actually forced to move their tents to
escape the antics of these feathered demons.
// |
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Yes, definitely Scotsmen. |
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Sorry, an abbreviation of my fond affectation for my wife,
The Good Fairy Jenny. With the sociable and insular nature
of this forum, I sometimes forget that nobody here actually
knows me personally and thus won't always know what I'm
on about. |
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Perhaps I am a bit unfair to pigeons. As a history buff, I'm
well aware of their centuries-old role in military
operations, and I'm also aware of 'pigeon fanciers' and the
various sports involving the birds' remarkable homing
abilities. |
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My scorn is likely rooted in my personal interaction with
them, which largely consists of having worked in shops with
high rafters where the birds roost in great numbers and
defecate all over tool chests, workspaces, and occasionally
me. As an avocational marksman, I have sometimes been
assigned pest control duties in such workplaces, and thus
view pigeons in a somewhat adversarial light. |
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Pigeons... Rock Doves, stealing takeaway food
from people enjoying picnic lunches in the inner
city each day. |
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These vile, fucking (publicly and often) vermin
spring spontaneously from high ledges on
buildings. They each contain a small space-time
anomaly that "portholes" pigeon shit in from
another universe, which is apparently full of the
stuff, depositing it copiously on food, people, cars
and any flat or angled surface as yet unsullied. |
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They also carry, in addition to inter-universal
birdshit dispensers... lice, rabies, tuberculosis,
malaria, herpes, scabies, mad cow disease and
messages. about German artillery positions and
troop movements. |
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You forgot salmonella. But mostly it was the copious
amounts of feces that caused various shop foremen to
request that I discreetly bring my air rifle to work with me
(sorry, [po], but as needs must). Fortunately for all shop-
dwelling pigeons, I'm now a private contractor with my own
pigeon-free shop, and have gone back to my practice of
only hunting edible critters. I had little sympathy for the
skyrats, but I always felt strangely compelled to
apologize whenever I knocked one out of the rafters. No
matter how peeved I was about having my tools splattered,
or zat I vas onlee followink orderz, it seemed a bit of a
waste. |
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The really wierd thing was how the others would just sit
there and watch their comrades die in a burst of ragged
feathers. I could usually get three or four before the flock
got up and flew away. I wonder about the evolutionary
sensibility of a creature that takes a minute or more to
realize that it might be next. |
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//The really wierd thing was how the others would just
sit there and watch their comrades die in a burst of
ragged feathers.// |
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Actually, they were too busy snickering. Even pigeons
can't stand other pigeons. |
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How did you choose which one to off, [Alter]? Ask
the one sitting on the stool? |
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The Audie Murphy method: take the hardest shot first,
then work my way forward to the closest. |
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//I can only assume it's as venomous and nasty as every other creature living in that overblown penal colony// |
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Surprisingly, no. The ones around our neighbourhood are mild mannered, pastel-coloured little creatures, which we would regard with unmixed affection if only they didn't poo on our washing line. |
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Australian ecology is complicated. That's why, at the airport, those uniformed staff with the sniffer dogs are checking your bags for fruit. Not so much for drugs or weapons. Mostly for fruit. Or soil. The ecology is a strange mix of the very tough, as you mention, [Alterother], and the very fragile. Yes, we have the world's biggest crocodiles, and ants that rear up and stare back at you but, on the other hand, much of the food web can be devastated by, for example, fluffy bunnies. |
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//much of the food web can be devastated by, for example, fluffy bunnies.// |
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Very true. In fact, the only native animal that hasnt suffered from the rabbit infestation is the drop bear, on account of rabbits rarely looking up. |
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I'll help you out with the rabbit problem if I ever visit. I'll
bring my 77/.17. |
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// take the hardest shot first, then work my way forward to the closest. // |
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Were you anywhere near Dealey Plaza, Dallas, on November 22, 1963 ? |
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If you want to help with the rabbit problem in Oz, you need something a bit more effective. |
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What, like an M143? Hardly leaves much for eating. |
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<glances at link> Ah, flash-roasted. |
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// Were you anywhere near Dealey Plaza, Dallas,
on November 22, 1963 ? // |
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Part of me was just across town, actually. Specifically, the
part in my mother's
ovaries. |
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With respect, [8/7], there were no rabbits in the
waters off the Montebello Islands at the time of the
test in question. |
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Oh... and another thing: The next time you Brits
want to test a nuke, how about you do it in your
own fucking backyard? |
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// there were no rabbits in the waters off the
Montebello Islands at the time of the test // |
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… which just goes to prove how effective it
was. |
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// how about you do it in your own fucking
backyard? // |
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That would only be sanctioned in the last
resort, probably either Boulogne or Dieppe. |
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Might I suggest Calais? It's got to be one of the
dreariest places on Earth. It's even worse than
Zurich. |
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No can do. Calais is already earmarked for
Biological and Chemical weapons testing, aas
anyone who has browsed the offerings in the
cafe at the Eurostar terminal will testify. |
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//what we call a pigeon is actually an American Rock Dove, a sort of greasy airborne shit- dispenser that has about as much brainpower as its namesake (either one of them)//
{{Thinks}} "either" suggests two options, but that name has three parts - I wonder if they all apply"? {{/thinks}} |
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//"either" suggests two
options, but that name has three
parts - I wonder if they all apply"?//
not really, as a dove can not be named after itself. |
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It's that kind of clear, sharp, prescient and above all relevant thinking that's got your species into the situation it is in today ... |
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...and therefore the namesake can be derived from one of
two parts, either America (in this case respectfully
excluding Canada) or rocks, both of which have been
recently exhibiting about as much intelligence as your
average American Rock Dove. |
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at which point I should point out that "Canada Geese" (ie: the often spoken-only-in-whispers member of the unholy avian trilogy) aren't necessarily Canadian geese. |
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No, but they are fiendishly intelligent, by ornithological
standards, unlike the American Bald Eagle, which is
dumber than dogshit. |
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Seriously, why do we get all the really stupid birds? |
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You probably vote for them, the same way
you choose Congressmen and Presidents… |
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In Australia,if a bird craps on your car or motorcycle, your
best bet is to dump her and date someone else. |
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Yeah, but fuck her first, before you dump her, right? |
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Are we still exporting that disgusting shit to the rest
of the world? I'd have thought Paul Hogan, Nicole
Kidman and Russell Crowe would have been enough
anti-advertising to keep the riff-raff out. |
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The fact we're still bombarding Britain with canned
Fosters dogspiss means the Brits are still applying to
move here, despite the lager dumping policy. |
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Lager? The thin yellow liquid in the blue cans
is considered a vital feedstock for the
leather-tanning industry … |
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Also it's fantastic for cleaning birdshit off your car or motorcycle |
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yes but then what do you use to clean the Foster's off ? |
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Dogspiss... not that there's any difference... |
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//The next time you Brits want to test a nuke, how about you do it in your own fucking backyard?//
What's the point in having overseas colonies (note the similarity to "colon") and dominions, if you can't toast a few natives from time to time? |
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// The obvious solution would be to bring an umbrella to
any protests // |
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Hong Kong is well-prepared for this, then. |
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