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When large vehicles go into reverse nowadays, they are
mandated to make beeping noises to announce their rearward
intentions.
Here we replace the generic beeping with the stirring drone
of the bagpipes, commanding an appropriate level of respect
from otherwise potentially unwary pedestrians.
Reverse bagpipes
http://www.comet.co...acuum-Cleaners/1961
Available for sale already! [pocmloc, Mar 16 2012]
[link]
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An appropriate level of respect for bagpipes? |
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You are going to have people hurling themselves under the vehicles. |
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A true Scotsman will tell himself they are doing it from fear, but deep down he'll know. He will know. |
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And he will drink and he will despair. |
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And he will play the bagpipes. |
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And people will hurl themselves under him, and they will see what a Scotsman wears under his kilt. |
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And they will despair .... |
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I think the authentic pre-recorded sound of someone being crunched under a large vehicle ought to do it.... especially someone playing a set of bag-pipes. |
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How about the rather more pleasing sound of a large vehicle reversing over successive Scotchmen, each provided with a set of bagpipes ? |
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Of course, there would be the cheering and applause to contend with. |
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Even better, what about the even more pleasing sound of a large vehicle reversing over actual Scotchmen, each provided with a set of bagpipes and a live cat ? |
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I thought this would be a warning noise to let you know that a bagpipe player was reversing towards you. |
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//the authentic pre-recorded sound of someone
being crunched under a large vehicle ought to do
it// I have been unfortunate enough to hear the
sound of someone being crunched under a large
vehicle, and it is not something I ever wish to hear
again. |
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All of you will pay for your mockery and derision of the
world's finest instrument... you will pay. |
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Sure thing. Here's a nickel, kid. Don't spend it all in the one place. |
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// mockery and derision of the world's finest instrument // |
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Eh ? The Mouse Organ isn't mentioned once ... |
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Your uppance is coming, Borg. Just as soon as I have
enough to pay for the postage. |
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Send it collect. Our existing uppance has never been the same since [MB]'s malignant pseudorelative Sturton borrowed it. It's a nice one too, but now the fittings are loose, the brasswork has lost its shine, and the Vox Pachydermis pedal squeaks because he put cheap motor oil in the lubricator. What the stains are, we shudder to think ... |
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While the Mouse Organ was an innovative and unique
approach to the musical arts, there never has been nor will
there be a more stirring and evocative instrument than the
bagpipe, in any of its superlative forms. Anything that can
be classified as both an instrument of music and of warfare
is a winner in my book. |
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(For those who think I'm kidding about the instrument of
warfare thing, I'm not. Scottish Highland Pipes are officially
classified as warfighting implements in the UK.) |
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They're classified as "offensive weapons" , which isn't quite the same thing - the accent being on "offensive" -rather like capsicum spray for the ears. |
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Actually, "Reversing Bagpipes", i.e. bagpipes capable of sucking up and containing the noise made by standard bagpipes, would be a boon to every living entity with a sense of hearing. |
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A reverse psychological phenomenon drum roll would
be
kind'a cool,with the assistance of 'ter Brugghen'. |
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What [8th] said!!
I was thinking of a way to say it... |
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//[MB]'s malignant pseudorelative Sturton// |
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Sturton is sometimes malign, but never malignant.
He has not yet found a woman prepared to
metastasize with him. (The intercalary twin, on the
other hand... no, let's not go there.) |
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Let's not. We're far from certain that we want to know what caused those stains, and in such a strange place, too. |
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Perhaps we are blaming Sturton unfairly ... maybe it was The Other One who was responsible. It wouldn't be the first time. |
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We think it's time you sat him down and explained to him that no female with the requisite number of chromosomes and a non-ambient body temperature is going to allow him near her until he stops doing it, or at least stops doing it so obviously and with such relish. |
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Oh, believe me, Sturton has no trouble getting
women. It's just that none of them are prepared to
consider procreating with him. It's mainly to do with
the size of his cranium, and the possibility that it
might be hereditable. |
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What happened to the hat we bought him for his birthdays ? He hasn't eaten that one as well, has he ? |
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If he carries on with those disgusting habits of his, harm will come to him. Eventually, the ointment will stop being effective, and even his digestive system can only cope with just so much abuse. |
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Of course it's hereditable. Just be glad it can't be transmitted to humans (or indeed any of the higher anthropoids). Tell him to go and talk to his Great Aunt OOook-Ookkha-Eee-EEEE-Eh <scratch-left-ear> if he doesn't believe you. |
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And for Heaven's sake, keep him away from the goats during the next full moon. It's not big, and it's not clever, and eventually the Special Enforcement Branch of the Royal Horticultural Society are going to catch up with him, and it cost a fortune to pay them off last time. Besides, a body can only stand a certain amount of hormone rooting powder ... |
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// It's not big, and it's not clever// On behalf of
myself, Sturton and the intercalary, I'd have to
disagree with at least half of that statement.
Heredity is a wonderful thing at times. |
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They can be turned inside out for another tartan, and a quick
change of clan affiliation? |
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Sadly, nothing so creative. These fools are actually
implying that bagpipes make sounds that are unattractive
to the ear, which is a scurrilous lie. |
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The noise should be a recording of a bagpipe *played
backwards* I mean a backwards recording of a
bagpipe played forwards. I mean a recording,
backwards-played, of a bagpipe (forwards-played). I
mean ... aw hell. |
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// implying that bagpipes make sounds that are unattractive to the ear // |
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I was implying that bagpipes make sounds that are unattractive to the bowels, balls and brains. I apologize for the lack of clarity. |
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Right - let's just try an experiment. The next time any of you are out and about, and you see a lorry in the act of reversing, and start to hear the <beep> <beep> and can see the driver hanging out of his cab window, looking rearward - putting the vehicle into reverse - just imagine for a moment, the sound of the drones gently starting up, and then, as the lorry begins to move, the tweetling of some tune or other emanating from deep within the vehicle's cowling, only coming to a stop once the manoeuvre is complete with a final satisfied, dying wheeze. |
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Once you go through this mental process, come back and report your findings here and, we'll bring all of this speculation to conclusion. |
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Errr Ok, tried that ... errr .. what do you advise if you find that you've given in to an irresistible urge to strangle the truck driver ? |
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//what do you advise if you find that you've given in to an irresistible urge to strangle the truck driver ?// Hmm, I get that with Toyota Yaris drivers - but that's totally unrelated to bagpipe usage. Impotent rage and judicious use of the horn usually does the trick. |
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In Scotland, pedestrian crossings will be converted so as to replace the <beeps> with more piping. This is actually the first thing Alex Salmond is planning post "Devo-max" - Belisha beacons being replaced with Salmond Crossings, thus cementing his legacy with publically funded musical street furniture. |
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With St. Patty's here agaim, cities across the USA will soon
celebrate a pseudo-Irish holiday with parades featuring
Scottish pipes, which is somehow an ironically acceptable
behavior for Amercans. |
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What this means, aside from the fact that we true
appreciators will once again have the opportunity to hear
the finest music in the world murdered by organized gangs
of cops and firemen wearing ambiguous-tartan kilts, is
that this is the perfect time to conduct this real-world
experiment. |
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I'd try to confirm that for you, if I had a soul. |
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I'm pondering a set of bagpipes with an internal
robot such that it can walk around on its own. One
would want to be sure the pipes could still play and
the robotics did not occlude any opening. |
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Maybe more easily done as a stop motion
animation. |
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// What the hell are you smoking !?!? // |
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Sounds like you could use some today. I'd gladly send you a
sample of mine, but the badge-wearing people who are
currently ignoring me because I'm mostly harmless would
probably hang me up by my toes as an example to others if
I did that. Instead, why not sit back and listen to the
soothing dulcet tones of the Uillean pipes? |
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Well, I'm glad to hear something turned out right for you
today. I certainly wasn't advocating, more commenting
that every once in a while we all need to get out of our
own heads for a little bit, method optional. |
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One is greatly disappointed that this did not involve bagpipe players being inflated and exploding. |
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I love bagpipes, though... my cats, on the other hand... |
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Welcome back StarChaser! Long time, no hear!
I've tried z_t's thought experiment and I have to say it was remarkably effective. There's nothing quite like the sound of early stage bagpipes to rapidly clear a danger area of itinerant humans. Also effective on birds, cats, dogs, most species of insects, plants, trees, ageing paint, rusting ironwork and dilapidated park benches. + |
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