h a l f b a k e r ySugar and spice and unfettered insensibility.
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Packs of Christmas cards; each individual card to have a
random and subtly inappropriately illustrated quotes
from the bible on them.
For example:
Meanwhile, the boy Samuel kept growing in stature and
in favor both with Jehovah and with the people.
[Samuel 2:26]
Let him kiss me with
the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine,
your anointing oils are fragrant,
your name is perfume poured out;
therefore the maidens love you.
[Song of Solomon 1:2-3]
So they picked Jonah up and threw him into the sea; and
the sea ceased from its raging. Then the men feared
the LORD even more, and they offered a sacrifice to the
LORD and made vows. But the LORD provided a large
fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of
the fish three days and three nights.
[Jonah 1:15-17]
Tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance,
character, and character, hope.
[Romans 5:3-4]
(These really are random, or at least, minimally curated.
I got them from wikiquote.)
...
What do you mean, why?
They have to be individual designs so you won't send
them the same card two years in a row.
Feels apropros
http://herzoginspirationals.tumblr.com/
[calum, Dec 22 2014]
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I am pretty sure that Christmas cards with bible
quotes are widely available. |
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'The Lord answered, “Bring me a heifer three years
old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years
old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon.”' (Genesis -
but the recipe itself is not given.) |
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"When two men are fighting and the wife of one of
them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his
opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold
of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand
and show her no mercy." (Deuteronomy) |
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And my favourite favourite for Christmas: |
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'“Look, I have two daughters, virgins both of them.
Let me bring them out to you and you could do what
you like with them. But do nothing to these men
because they have come under the shelter of my
roof.”' (Genesis, again.) |
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Instead a huge map that arranges bible quotes in the sequence a person may follow and understand them in flow chart layout. The map opens up into a large house with parchment paper thin walls, and can only be folded closed as a crudely bent rolled up newspaper that resembles a house, but instead looks like a curled finger, or even a circle. Almost like using a book to shield your eyes while lying on a park bench on a summer's day, the bird house allows a bird to get inside where interpretations can occur by people acting out parts or something under the critical guidance of the director 'the' Godfrey J Christmason Sr. and his crucial audience of applauders and ex-players in a series called Home: Lessons |
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[Loris], this is a great idea, thanks. I'll take two boxes. |
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Well, that's my hope of eternal life truly fucked then.
Are you sure it includes sparkling wines? |
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And while we're at it, Exodus 21:7 |
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Would help to have it somewhat colour coded or tabbed
vaguely on topics. |
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It would make you just as accurate as street preachers. |
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Economic study correlating mockery and fighting beer and wine sales based on data accumulated from low self-esteem alcoholics and proximity to X center mass relativity? |
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//Are you sure it includes sparkling wines? // |
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Ah, hang on. Ephesians 5:18 recommends spirits
instead, which is some consolation I suppose. |
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Naughty bakers will get nothing from Santa, I hope you
remember. |
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I'm pretty sure Santa is an atheist. |
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Unlikely given he was one of the signatories of the Nicene
Creed. |
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He has a big beard he must be trying hard to get something out. This fine collection of philosophy hairs will be extruded from one point and end in another where they started a long time ago. |
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//Unlikely given he was one of the signatories of the
Nicene Creed.// |
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He may have just signed it to get the job. |
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//Ah, hang on. Ephesians 5:18 recommends spirits instead,
which is some consolation I suppose.// |
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Not “spirits”, the Holy Spirit. So, Scotch. |
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//I am pretty sure that Christmas cards with bible quotes are widely available.// |
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Indeed. But not random quotes, as far as I know. I hesitate to suggest that you deliberately selected the given
quotes, because, well - I actually was thinking that passages chosen at random would mostly be just totally
irrelevant, with the odd doozy. But actually looking up Genesis, I see that they'd be... quite inappropriate, more
often than not. |
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//“Look, I have two daughters, virgins both of them. Let me bring them out to you and you could do what you like
with them. But do nothing to these men because they have come under the shelter of my roof.”// |
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The good thing about this is it would work with a nativity scene, if one were simply to collage in a second Mary in
place of the Jesus, and two-thirds of the wise men over the donkey.
Has Sturton been economising on Chrimbo cards again? |
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//Has Sturton been economising on Chrimbo cards again?// |
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Au the contairey. He has been unusually active in the
Christmas-card-sending department this year. I received one
postmarked Samoa, where he is apparently looking for the
Purple-Capped Fruit Dove. I did try to tell him that it would
probably taste like chicken, but he'll have none of it. |
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The intercalary also received a card from Sturton, sent from
Futuna. He tells me that the envelope was stained with
cashaca, which is worrying - I do hope we're not going to
have a repeat of last July. |
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What has the bible got to do with Christmas? |
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//she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand |
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Does not state that she has to let go of family jewels before the chopping bit. |
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"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the
inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.
Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will,
shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for
he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost
children. And I will strike down upon thee with great
vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison
and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord
when I lay My vengeance upon you." |
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Is that the bit from Pulp Fiction? |
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Yes - not actually a biblical quote even though it's
supposed to be one |
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Leviticus 13:40. "A man who has lost his hair and is bald is clean." |
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"Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one ..." |
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Genesis 27:11 - "And Jacob said to Rebekah his
mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and
I am a smooth man" - Merry Christmas! |
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Ezekiel 23:20 - "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." Season's Greetings |
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Isaiah 44:19
No one stops to think, no one has the knowledge or understanding to say, “Half of it I used for fuel; I even baked bread over its coals, I roasted meat and I ate. Shall I make a detestable thing from what is left? Shall I bow down to a block of wood?” |
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Isaiah 98:44 "And he went from this place to another
place, and then was in that place. And the people of
the first place asked "where is he that was here?" and
were given the answer "he has gone to the other
place". |
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Yeah. That's Santa they're talking about. He was only here briefly - everybody knows that. And Rudolph, him too. |
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Proverbs 31:6 (New International Version)
Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish. |
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Now there's a card. Just tape it to the bottle. |
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Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. |
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Leviticus 19:1. "And the Lord spoke unto Moses
saying:" |
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C'mon guys. Judging by all the comments and fun being had,
there should be more buns for [Loris] Unless its a slow Loris
of course. |
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I don't know about you, but I can only vote once. |
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Moses' father-in-law said to him, “What you are doing is not good. You and the people with you will certainly wear yourselves out, for the thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to do it alone. Now obey my voice; I will give you advice |
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Ezekiel 40:8 - "He also measured the entry room of the gateway." |
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2 Kings 2:23-4 "And he went up from thence unto Bethel:
and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little
children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto
him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
And
he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in
the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears
out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them."
Seasons Greetings! |
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"… and there was much rejoicing." |
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I'm with hippo & 8th in preferring the fake biblical quotes.
Revelation 6:8 "And I saw, & behold, a pale horse: and he that sat upon him, his name was Kevin."
Having said that, I'm very disappointed with 8th. I would have had good money on him going for 'Bomber' Harris' apocalyptic line from Hosea 8:7, 'For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind'. |
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Hosea 13:16 ... They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open |
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And as Jesus was in the tavern at Gazbethulah there
came a white horse. And the innkeeper spake unto
the horse saying- 'Sooth, for we have a spirit with
thine name'. And the horse did say to the innkeeper
- 'What sayest thou? Thou hast a spirit named
Eric?' |
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// they shall reap the whirlwind // |
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"For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the cyclone ... the Wright
Cyclone R-1820, four of 'em, powering a B-17, but not until 1942 at
the earliest ..." |
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Judges 3:22 - "And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out." |
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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, may everyone's assholes be behind them in the new year! 9:15 Tuesday |
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//"he has gone to the other place".// The reference to your town, [mb], is a nice personal touch. |
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// I do hope we're not going to have a repeat of last July // |
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That's hardly possible, shirley ? The species is now extinct, and he
can't go back there after being sentenced to death in absentia ... |
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Presumably the family are going to the local church on Christmas day
morning ? If so, we will join you; although if you don't mind, we won't
participate. All that cavorting round naked and getting covered in
goat's
blood while chanting prayers to Cthulhu is a bit unseemly, though fun
to watch. |
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Surprising that the vicar lets you do it, him being an adherent of Yog-
Sothoth. Oh well, high church, low church ... |
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// The species is now extinct// To be fair to Sturton,
it wasn't entirely his fault, and he's very embarrassed
about it. He was hot on the trail of the last known
breeding pair, and sat down on a fallen tree to try to
pinpoint where the mating calls were coming from.
It's just very unfortunate that that particular species
favours fallen trees as the location for their mating
display. |
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//he can't go back there after being sentenced to
death in
absentia// |
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He has vowed never to go back to Absentia. And the
charges were trumped up. |
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As for the goats' blood and chanting, it's a bit of a
chore but the
locals expect it. Don't let on, but when we all
descend into the
crypt taking the chickens with us, we've actually got
a minibar and
a widescreen TV down there - the screams are just on
a tape loop.
And you wouldn't believe the trouble we had getting
the black
chickens this year. In fact, to tell the truth, a couple
of them are
trimmed and spray-painted pheasants. |
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The intercalary will be joining us this year, which will
be
wonderful. Which reminds me - he wants to know if
you need your
Val Doonican Christmas Special LPs back. |
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It's fine at the moment - we're getting satisfactory results from a mix
of sensory deprivation, waterboarding, systematic beatings, covertly-
administered hallucinogens, and episodes of I Love Lucy on an
endless loop. |
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We vaguely disapprove of pointless cruelty, unless of course it's in
some way entertaining. We just want information ... information ...
information ... |
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"And now Rocky Raccoon he fell back in his room
Only to find Gideon's bible |
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Gideon checked out and he left it no doubt
To help with good Rocky's revival, ah " |
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Send them a whole bible from Giddeon. They can choose their own quote. |
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When e-paper cards are realized then a bible loaded chip can pick a quote for each opening. Just leave the card open on the one you like. |
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