Purley Gates

Bestriding the A23 like a cardiganed Collossus of Roads, Purley Gates stands as an everlasting monument to greed, avarice, and sloppy coding. Dressed in garments covered entirely with millions of synthetic plastic- effect false pearls, and painstakingly constructed of lovingly hand-gilded dog turds, Purley Gates will be an unmistakeable landmark to all those poor deluded idiots making their way up through Croydon towards the 2012 Olympics, another grandiose monument to the fact that it is foolish to underestimate the power of very stupid people in large numbers, particularly when those people have been elected to public office.

Visitors may chose to take the opportunity to climb up the internal stairways to the head of the statue, and upon reaching the top level look out through the eyes which contain two open windows. There are many other windows around the head, but opening more than two at any one time usually causes the whole edifice to crash spectacularly.

All the way up the stairs are signs informing visitors that when they get to look closely at the face of Purley Gates, they will see it has many new features, but in fact on arrival these claims turn out to be specious and the windows are exactly the same as previous versions, only uglier, slower, and less well made.

The feet of the stature stand on the specially constructed Gates Foundation, which consists entirely of huge advertising hoardings abjuring the readers to "Please don't hate Bill, he is doing his best".

The postioning of the statue's upper limbs may be puzzling to some observers; the fact that the right hand is down the front waistband of the trousers simply depicts Bill doing what he does best, while the left hand being pressed against the small of the statue's back denotes that he can't find his backside even with both hands.