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Bestriding the A23 like a cardiganed Collossus of
Roads, Purley Gates stands as an everlasting
monument to greed, avarice, and sloppy coding.
Dressed in garments covered entirely with
millions of synthetic plastic-
effect false pearls, and painstakingly constructed of
lovingly hand-gilded
dog turds, Purley Gates will be
an unmistakeable landmark to all those poor
deluded idiots making their way up through
Croydon towards the 2012 Olympics, another
grandiose monument to the fact
that it is foolish to underestimate the power of very
stupid people in large numbers, particularly when
those people have been elected to public office.
Visitors may chose to take the opportunity to climb
up the internal stairways to the head of the statue,
and upon reaching the top level look
out through the eyes which contain two open
windows. There are many other windows around
the head, but opening more than two at
any one time usually causes the whole edifice to
crash spectacularly.
All the way up the stairs are signs informing visitors
that when they get to look closely at the face of
Purley Gates, they will see it has many
new features, but in fact on arrival these claims
turn out to be specious and the windows are
exactly the same as previous versions,
only uglier, slower, and less well made.
The feet of the stature stand on the specially
constructed Gates Foundation, which consists
entirely of huge advertising hoardings
abjuring the readers to "Please don't hate Bill, he is
doing his best".
The postioning of the statue's upper limbs may be
puzzling to some observers; the fact that the right
hand is down the front waistband of the trousers simply
depicts Bill doing what he does best, while the left
hand being pressed against the small of the
statue's back denotes that he can't find his
backside even with both hands.
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Don't hold back, tell us how you really feel... |
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I think I'm missing 9 out of the 10 references here.
Is this meant to be an anti-Gates or anti-Olympics
gesture? Or is there a place called Purley which is
worse even than Swindon? |
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How do you gild dog turds? |
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You haven't been here long enough, or you'd know not to
ask questions like that. Now somebody's gonna 'bake it. |
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freeze them first. Don't they teach kids anything in schools these days ? |
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Methinks freezing is a bad idea, when the turds un-freeze, they will contract slightly, causing the gold leaf to buckle, or even worse, cause the turd to rattle around inside the gold shell |
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depends on how much gold you want to use: another method, cheaper but requiring more of an initial investment, is to spray the turd with a fixative, flash heat the outside to set/ceramicize it, then apply as thin a gilding layer as feasible. |
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That could work, but if the layer of gold is too thin, you won't get to see business men sneaking out at night to try and scrape gold off the statue, as it won't be worth the risk anymore. |
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If you just climb the beanstalk you'll find that the giants' dogs' turds are already gold. They just left that out of the story. |
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Highly trained Golden Retrievers? |
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I appropriately missed 10 out of 9 references. |
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You did better than me; I didn't even read past the first
sentence. Scrolled down, verified that it was indeed a
Borg rant, skipped right to the annos. |
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[erenjay], I take it back. You've definitely got the hang of
things here. |
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I think Mr. O'Seven is referring to the fact that even though the entire Olympics could be coordinated between a bunch of $200 terminals and a Commodore PET as a server (seriously)*, they're going to spend probably 10's of millions to give M$ a Windows8 commercial. |
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* - except streaming video which is the tv networks' problem and has nothing to do with stuff like care and feeding of athletes, scores/standings, accounting, payroll, and all the other bog-standard stuff that (might just barely) be more economical to do digitally, and that only if there's no bullshit involved. |
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Actually heck with the Commodore: I saw an ad in the local buy'n'sell: somebody's selling an AS400 for $30. |
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Won't the spectators be too busy eating their bread to notice? |
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I met a traveller from an antique LandRover |
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//is there a place called Purley which is worse even than Swindon?// |
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Indeed there is (value judgements aside) - we could erect the Gates effigy atop one of the Ikea "towers", leaving room perhaps for a bespectacled Jobs atop the other. |
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On a more personal note, does the local knowledge presented here suggest the Borg might be a Croydonite? |
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//we could erect the Gates effigy atop one of the Ikea "towers"//
Couldn't we pretend the Ikea towers were pikes, and simply set the heads on top? |
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//does the local knowledge presented here suggest the Borg might be a Croydonite?//
Perhaps it is in their purlieu.
Could explain the riots last summer. |
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"Croydonite" -a seedy, overpriced version of Kryptonite ? |
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We know about the A23 because it's a useful VRP on the
approach to Biggin Hill… |
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So, you're actually a homing pigeon whose cote is
somewhere near Biggin Hill? That explains a lot... |
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It works, but only as a black hole. Or perhaps their reply
button is on the fritz. |
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Also, sp. "Colossus", with one 'l'. |
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Alas, we will never know what his retort would have been. |
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