h a l f b a k e r yGetting blown into traffic is never fun.
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It is not uncommon for humans to utter the phrase, "I'll dance/spit/piss on your grave".
But what if the person being abused is much younger, and likely to outlive you ?
No problem; simply sign up for BorgCo's new Prepid Grave Descration Service.
Fur a surprisingly modest fee*, we will solemnly
undertake to perform the action of your choice, should you not be around to do it in person. Our systems will then scan the obituary records on a moment-to-moment basis, and when we detect a designated target has bought the farm, we will set about putting your wishes into action.
Clearly, some circumstances may present difficulties, for instance should the target requests cremation and then their ashes scattered at sea; but even then, appropriate use of GPS and a pair of flotaion boots allows an appropriate gesture to be made, even if it wouldn't really count as "dancing".
* Non-refundable in the event of the object of your hate pre-deceasing you, thus allowing you to perform the action yoursef; we will, however, facilitate your transport to and from the desired location, and act as lookouts while you put your promise into action. All major credit cards accepted.
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What do you do if multiple people want to spit on the same person's grave? Do you provide true personalized service, and send someone out with a large chunk of time and a water bottle to repeat as much as necessary? [+] |
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I would like to use your credit card please. |
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Morally abhorrent, excessively vindictive and unscrupulous in nature; Your idea sir, is bunnable on these premises alone. |
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Where do I fax or email the extensive list of people
I'd like you to sort out on my behalf? |
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Do you want credit card details by the same method? |
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I hope the powers that be forgive me for this near Xmas, but surely a functional urinal-shaped headstone... |
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Oh, you should post that, [FT]. Even now, your curved dough
product is turning a rich light golden-brown in the oven. |
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//your curved dough product is turning a rich light
golden-brown in the oven.// |
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I would like to add "Your dough, though bought
through enough thought, counts for nought" as a
tagline, merely to frighten foreigners trying to learn
English pronunciation. |
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//I'll dance/spit/piss on your grave// It is considered poor
form to do all 3 actions but, if one must, do the dancing
first. |
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I think people might also sell a variation of this themselves. |
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"Joe Smith has announced a public offering on a bidding basis for his grave dancing rights. As Mr Smith has purchased a lot in a high security graveyard, this is the only chance you'll get. The highest top bidders will be allowed 5 minutes dance time during which the anti-personnel mines placed about his plot will be de-activated. These bids are non-refundable should Mr Smith outlive you. |
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For the descriminating buyer, we're offering this commemorative ashtray made out of the top of his skull. This product is very limited so act now." |
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Definately my favorite BorgCo product. [+] |
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For cremations, maybe you could offer a special service where a representative goes to the funeral service and shouts obsenities about the person. Or plays the Hanson song "MmmmBop" during the service. |
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