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So you're hosting family Thanksgiving for the first time, and you are part of one of those weird extended families that make a big deal out of turkey carving.
You in a flop sweat, the bird comes to the table and everyone including uncle Gary is watching and judging.
Good thing you have already
practised on your Practice Turkey. With an accurate plastic skeleton, silicone tendons, and rubber meat both dark and light encased in a realistically painted and textured fake rubber skin, you have this in the bag!
Screw you uncle Gary!
Survivor Type
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[Voice, Feb 01 2023]
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[+] I think a silicone turkey will cost more than a real one. This is a job for AR at the table and VR for practicing. |
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Yea, screw you uncle Gary! [+] |
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1. A way I have seen a bird prepared for serving is to just pull it apart on the baking tray. Pull the breasts off to each side and pull the legs and wings off... let people help themselves to what they want. |
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2. Start a new family tradition that the highest ranking male gets to carve. Oh, uncle Gary, I'm so glad you are here, as the senior member of the family I insist you do the honours and carve for us all! |
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3. Face down the weirdos and serve lasagne instead. Ignore their complaints. Its your house and you can serve whatever food you want whatever day of the week you want. If they don't like it they can host next time. |
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4. Get a whole chicken every week and have a roast chicken dinner (its actually very cheap if you use all the meat and then boil the bones for soup, one chicken can provide 10 servings easily over the course of the week). Carve it with care and ceremony and by the time Christmas comes (maybe even by the time ersatz Christmas) you will be a master carver |
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//Face down the weirdos// |
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Why are we all face- down? How did this happen? Was it something we said? |
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[poc] has the win, with just a few adjustments to the order it'll be perfect. |
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4. Practice to perfection with a real live chicken every week (if you find that a bit cruel I understand that you can buy dead ones at the supermarket). |
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2. Come the day palm it off on Uncle Gary anyway .. from the vantage of your now perfected technique critique his performance. |
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1. Declare he's done it all wrong and show him how to do it right on a previously prepared chicken .. pulling the legs and wings off with suitable flourish and theatre. |
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3. Carefully pack the now carved turkey away in Tupperware (declaiming that Uncle Gary has clearly ruined it and it'll have to go for soup, the chicken is cold having been cooked yesterday to wait ready in the fridge so clearly that would never do either) .. now serve reheated chicken lasagne made from all those practice chicken leftovers. |
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Cue shouting, recriminations and the predicted row .. the perfect Christmas (if you're UK) or thanksgiving. |
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Enjoy your turkey the day after they've all gone. |
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I can't see how this would be more cost effective than just buying a second turkey, which also has the added benefit of allowing a practice run for the cooking process as well, something which I personally get much more anxiety about. A road-kill turkey (of which there is no shortage in these parts) would be great for this. |
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It's actually not that hard, at least with an electric knife. |
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Stretch the thigh out a bit. Cut in the joint, then twist the drumsticks and carve right into the cartilage to free them. |
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Do the wing out similarly. |
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Find the top. Carve right against the breastbone on one side from front to back to free a whole breast. Then place the breast on the plate and slice it cross-grain as thin or thick as you like. Cutting it cross-grain helps make it easier to deal with. Then do the other. |
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For the dark meat underneath, just cut inward at what seems a good angle as there's no real perfect method here. |
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//as there's no real perfect method here// I can hear uncle Gary clearing his throat already... |
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I have never cut through any kind of animal in my entire life and I never will, so this product would be little use to me. If only the brilliant benfrost was still here, we might have seen a serial killer version being posted as an annotation . Oh look - I've done it for him. |
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I have cut up many pieces of paper, wood and metal, some of which were animal shapes but I ate none of them. |
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Flour lentils beans and other dry goods have a permitted percentage of insect parts. I suppose you could technically claim since they were already small and fragmentary you never cut through them merely between them. |
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//All biology is symbiotic. Eat what you want// |
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Really? well OK then, if you say so, but just remember this was your idea. |
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I suppose there are a few recipes I've not tried yet. |
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[Dusts off his old copy of the cannibals cook book] |
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[Selects a second volume from the book case titled 'endangered animals, eat em before they're not!'] |
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[Wanders absent mindedly towards the kitchen as he leafs through one of them] |
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Shall we have the Panda shish kebabs in ginger sauce or that nice little dish with the fava beans tonight? |
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[Pauses, shouts over shoulder] |
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Jeeves! have we any pandas in the menagerie? |
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Well that's a shame, can you get a bottle of chianti out of the cellar then please. |
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"Lady fingers. They taste just like lady fingers." |
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Oh yeah, and don't eat human brains or you'll get something called Kuru and die. |
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Ah, the things you learn watching Love Boat... |
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Did Steven King write the man who ate himself? That was an awesome story. |
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Everyone dies in the end. |
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//Scoff as you might, but if it ain't poison it's food// |
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[Whips napkin over shoulder with a flourish and proffers a menu] |
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Would sir care for a nice bowl of gravel? |
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We have shale, a wide range of dolomite, high in calcium, good for the bones [looks thoughtful for a moment] unless one's being pounded with a few pounds of it inside a sturdy sock of course, and we have a cheeky little quartzite for dessert, finely powdered and served on a bed of white granite. |
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Yes I would agree, its usually undercooked. |
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//if it ain't poison it's food.// |
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On the other hand, everything is poison if you use enough. |
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<pant> <pant> <pant> "MY HEART!" -(the last obese guy I saw trying to jog up the steps) |
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a1, I've been vegan for years. Not for your reason but because all animals are sentient beings. They feel pain and fear deeply. Even turkeys.
So please, bakers, stop terrifying the wildlife and eating the fear they expressed when they were killed. Not to mention the humane side of it. Well yeah, it is to mention it. |
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zen, I just saw your post. Yay, and thank you for being a kind and loving human being. Sometimes it's a lonely place to be, but it's the right place for us. |
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Tatterdemallion, I hear and understand. |
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My idea is to practice carving without needlessly killing things though. |
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