h a l f b a k e r yMay contain nuts.
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Some people don't like it if you mash up stilton with port. To foil these party-poopers, the Port masher is carried in a belt-mounted holster.
Shaped just like a potato masher, but with finer mash-head-cutters, which are hollow and pierced with little holes. They are connected by pipes up to a port
reservoir in the handle.
Squeezing the handle pressurises the port reservoir. Compression on the shaft opens the port valve.
So, next time your generous hosts uncovers the cheese plate bearing a mighty fine stilton, you can, quick as a flash and before anyone can stop you, whip out the Port masher and in one single downward sweep mash the stilton with port. Perfect!
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Annotation:
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Will there be a separate weapon for the left-handed addition of peppercorns and butter? |
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Dear gods. Where were you people raised? |
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The real world. If you squint, you can just make it out
from the south-facing window of the fifth-floor recital
parlor in the ancilliary children's wing of Buchanan Manor. |
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I thought this was going to have to do with hanging
around the
docks attempting to molest unsuspecting female
passersby. |
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Okay, so I didn't actually think that, but this idea
seems equally
random. I've never heard of mashing up Stilton
with port, and a
quick Google search does not seem to indicate that
this is a
common practice (one of the first results is in fact
to this very page—dayum, Google, you quick!).
Infusing it, perhaps, but attacking a block of Stilton
with a masher seems a bit… barbaric. |
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That said, it would seem to accomplish the
intended task simply
and elegantly, so I suppose I can give you a bun for
this. Now, if
you'll excuse me, I'm off to see about renting a
boat. |
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//Dear gods.// In the family? |
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//Where were you people raised?// Well, in all actuality, speaking of family (I think)... put it this way. My aunt, Lydia Buchanan, was a close relative to Elijah Cutler Behunin (you can find him, or at least his house, on Wikipedia) (Yes, the last names are different - many accusations were thrown over who changed what about the name and when; shots were fired)... |
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Since Elijah (who read a book once, thereafter styling himself as E.C. Behunin, Attorney at Law) was one of the richer ones here-abouts, just look at the picture of his house, imagine said area without the house, and you've got where I was raised. |
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//My aunt, Lydia Buchanan,// |
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Good grief and all the fishes! Not THE Lydia 'Stumpy'
Buchanan, of bullfighting fame? Walked with a lisp?
If so, then clearly you and I are related - quite
possibly to eachother. |
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Perhaps, instead of having the port in a reservoir in the handle, the handle itself could be replaced by a tapered rubber bung which would jamb into the neck of a fine rare vintage bottle of port. That way the device to be holstered would be smaller, and you could also use the host’s generously provided port bottle as well. |
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[lurch], your idea is fine but the bottle mod suggested above would require two handed operation - the left hand grabbing the bottle, the right inserting thr masher, inverting and stamping. So perhaps the butter nozzle and pepper grinder attachment should be mounted on the fork of the masher itself, and driven by the pump-action already exploited to drive the port valve (and, if a bottle is used, the port pump). |
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It's not often discussed by the family. |
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But apparently three Zone brothers came over here from the Rhine to seek their fortunes in the 1800s. |
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Hans Jacob Buchanan made it here circa the Mayflower years. Buchanan became Biedertson, which became Peterson, which was my mother's maiden name. |
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She met my father, Norman Zone, god rest his soul, and here we are. I'm not certain where that leaves us. |
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Wait - I'm related to [lurch] AND [normzone]?
(Incidentally, I've always wondered - norm'z one
what, exactly?) |
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I was always told that Aunt Lydia had a dark and
fecund past. Actually, she was probably best
appreciated in the dark. |
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Regarding the port and stilton business - just
really very no. Some people use port to stop the
stilton drying out, but it's a waste of a decent port
and also defeats the perfect pleasure of eating
stilton and drinking port side by side. If you
haven't got enough people to eat a stilton before
it dries out unduly, buy either a smaller stilton or
more friends. |
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Would you soak your MacDonald's in Coke?
Marinade your pork scratchings in Guinness? Dump
your cheese and onion crisps into your bitter? No,
thought not. |
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For a brief and experimental period, Sturton did
try putting port instead of water into the drinking
troughs of one of our dairy herds, in the hope of
producing a Stilton with a portish tang.
Unfortunately, it is well nigh impossible to milk a
cow which is lying comatose in the middle of a
field, so we shall never know the outcome. |
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I said there were party-poopers around. Loos like we have outed one at last! |
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I've been known to stir-fry sirloin tips in Jameson's. You
never can tell what tastes good until you try it. |
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I do drink Jameson's neat, when I'm all out of Black Bush,
or when I'm cooking with it. In, fact, I'm reasonable certain
that drinking Jameson's neat on an empty stomach is what
gave me the idea to cook with it. |
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Incidentally, the Jameson's Neat is actually the most
popular breed for the extraction of Neatsfoot oil—
which, incidentally, has not been an additive to
Rentisham's since 1965, even despite their animal
cruelty policy (“No less than necessary”). |
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//Neatsfoot oil— which, incidentally, has not been
an additive to Rentisham's since 1965// Actually,
although it was removed from the formulation in
1964 (reaching the shelves in 1965; the Wax needs
a resting period of several months before use), it
was
reintroduced within six months. Neatsfoot oil not
only tempers the flegative qualities of the
Candelilla wax, but also ensures a smoother
consistency when the Wax is applied at lower
temperatures. |
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Rentisham's has only very rarely modified the
formulation ("Composition 766", as it was originally
known) and, in each case, it has soon reverted to
the original recipe. |
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