h a l f b a k e r yGuitar Hero: 4'33"
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The Personal Protection Toaster Drone is designed for people who need a higher level of protection while out in public, or where the higher altitude drones may spot and target them. This may include politicians, drug lords, or reality teevee stars such as Honey Boo Boo.
The Personal Protection Toaster
Drone has a shell of carbon fiber to make it light and resistant to radar while in operation. If it detects an inbound threat, it will take evasive measures, then shoot out flaming hot toast to confuse the heat-seeking guidance system of the missile.
When no threat is detected, it simply hovers where necessary high overhead to provide shade for its protectee.
It may also be configured to confound paparazzi by buzzing them like a barn swallow; or in cases where the protectee craves attention, the drone may be configured to drive the paparazzi toward the protectee in much the same way as a good stock dog works cows.
(Note: This drone is rather less effective against boiling oil. It is recommended that it's protectees refrain from storming castle walls.)
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Annotation:
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I will hold off ordering until the butter dispensing drone is brought to market. |
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With a slicing mechanism, it could deploy soldiers. Well, somebody had to say it. |
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//Are heat-seekers typically used against slow-moving ground targets?// |
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No, [21], but they may indeed be used against Personal Protection Toaster Drones. When the flaming hot toast is ejected the missiles will veer off target and land on an unintended consequence. Said unintended consequence may then be free to sue the government agency responsible for the higher level drone attack, necessitating the need for that government agency to issue a heavily redacted declaration of non-responsibility due to post 9-11 security oriented obfuscative processes. |
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A gatling version would get my bun. |
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I can see a profiterole cluster bomb, and laser guided lardy cake for bunker-busting, I was going to mention the German bread/cake, but it was stollen. |
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//...is there a theoretical maximum to the number of rounds of toast per minute...// |
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Leaving no half-baked stone unturned, the engineers at GROGco Testing Laboratory tried adding an additional Bread slice feeding clip to each side of the toaster to mimic the Gatling effect. The result looked eerily like a Pterodactyl Killer Robot. As for the "rounds of toast per minute" it turns out that the time it takes each slice to reach the "flaming hot" stage in the toaster is also about a minute; so... 4 rpm (more like Dribbling than Gatling). |
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On the plus side, you could load an entire loaf into each side clip that would ensure you wouldn't have to reload for hours. Unfortunately, 1) the entire Gatling assembly made it so heavy the drone never left the ground, and 2) the first four pieces of flaming hot toast that shot out burned down the GROGco lunchroom. |
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GROGco engineers are now on a parallel philosophical track pondering the inherent assumptions in the old adage "you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs." It is now clear you also can't make an omelet if your lunchroom burns down. |
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Am, frankly, shocked and appalled that no such
device has existed hithertofore, and applaud your
idea. This device fills a much-needed gap in
personal protection. |
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//theoretical maximum to the number of rounds of toast per minute ?// |
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Assume one minute to go from cold bread to flaming hot toast. Assume the bread is toasted on both sides simultaneously. Assume that it is done on a moving feed past the heating element. Assume a slice of bread measures 5 inches wide. Therefore the rate of ejection of flaming hot toast is constrained by the length of the heating element. For a rate of x rounds per minute, the length of the element and feed mechanism should be ((x+1)*5/12) feet. |
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The upper limit is given by the size of the universe (can't have the feed mechanism sticking out of the universe at either end can we now), the speed of light (relatavistic half-toasted bread/toast* is not very healthy) or something else, whichever is lowest. |
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*If you take bread and half-toast it, what is the proper name for such a substance? |
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Aha, slices of bread, wrapped in foil, then you could just rail-gun them. Drogue chute deploys to peel foil off, which acts as chaff. |
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I'm reserving judgement until [FlyingToaster] pops up. |
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