h a l f b a k e r yMagical moments of mediocrity.
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My car's satnav has a variety of language options. As a result, I am
now fairly fluent in navigational French, Spanish, German, Italian
and American. If I ever give a lift to Nick Sarkosy, we'll get along
like two peas in a house on fire. I can tournez a gauche with the
best of 'em.
I realized
that this works well, because the foreign dialogue is
pertinent to my immediate situation - it has context, which helps
me
to assimilate its meaning.
Sadly, my repertoire is fairly limited, and is not much use outside
the
driver's seat. This got me to thinking, and the result is now
available at all good automobile outlets.
MaxCo. GmbH is proud to introduce the Allons Y! (tm). The Allons
Y!
(tm) system consists of forward and backward looking video
cameras, an external microphone, a boot- (or "trunk-", if you
must)
mounted processor, and some software. Cables are also supplied
to
connect as many sensors as your car has (SatNav, brakes,
accelerator,
active suspension sensors, airbag sensors, automatic light and rain
sensors, door-open sensors...) to the Allons Y! (tm).
Simply select the language of your choice, and.....allons y!
Your satnav will, of course, give you directions in your chosen
language, but with a gradually increasing repertoire of phrases.
"Ah
- vous allez a Londres encore? Eh bien - tournez a gauche, mon
ami." "Prenez la droite, et ne pas allez trop vite - c'est une tourne
tres forte." "Vous avez arriveé a votre destination. Il est presque
temps pour le dejeuner - il'y'a une petite bistro pres d'ici, vous
savez?" and so forth.
Over time, the Allons Y!(tm) will start to discuss the merits and
features of
the places you're driving through, or give increasingly idiomatic
and
idiosyncratic instructions. "Boff! Anglais! J'ai dit tournez a
*gauche*
mais vous avez tournee a *droit*! Flute, mon ami, nous serons en
retard maintenent."
BUT that's not all. The front and rear mounted cameras, coupled
with basic image recognition software, allow the Allons Y! (tm) to
recognize and comment on a range of basic features in real-time.
In
addition, the microphone and the connections to the car's own
sensors allow it to comment on a wide repertoire of events during
your drive.
In no time at all, you will master phrases such as "Et toi,
essheule!!",
"Vous roulez trop vite, mon ami, il plut, et la rue est tres inégal."
and "Zut alors! Il'y'a deux giraffe au bord de la rue!"
Don't delay, achetez today! Allons y!
[link]
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[-] for encouraging anyone to speak french, a language created for perfidy, circumlocution, and deception. |
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Et merci pour le...le....bugger, what's French for croissant? |
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[+] because as you say, such a system of prosaic familiarity works. |
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<pulls up outside Royal Albert Hall> |
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"Vous avez arriveé a votre destination. " |
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"I wanted Waterloo, you stupid, useless machine !" |
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"Ah ... c'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la gare..." |
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Interesting. What's French for croissant? |
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and if you hit a hump-back bridge too fast does it start speaking in Clingon? |
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so it's just like having a Frenchman in the car, driving with you... |
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//like two peas in a house on fire// [marked-for-tagline] |
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//c'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la gare// [marked-for-
tagline] |
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No, Oscar Wilde said that first. |
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After hearing my Garmin mangle French place- and road-names on a recent sojourn (you see how we polyglots just slip with ease from one language to un autre?) in La Belle France, je vous present un crescent. |
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Je vous remercie mille-feuille. |
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//like two peas in a house on fire// [marked-for-tagline] twice!! |
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And if your satnav takes you to the east end of London, "Le
magasin de poisson-frite? C'est le throw d'une stone! Juste
avant le frottez une dub" |
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not sure what [dub] will make of that! |
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//Vous roulez trop vite, mon ami, il plut, et la rue est tres inégal."//
ép: pleut.
Bonne idée mon brave! |
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