Olympic swimming, leisure centre style

We all know that swimming isn't a real sport - but you try telling Australians that. The merest suggestion of it being a leisure activity for fat people who can't be bothered to buy a pair of trainers is met with anger and derision. And that means, unfortunately, that when the Olympics are on, all you'll get to see is a load of tall men going up and down a pool. It doesn't need to be that dull though. For example, if during the race a load of kids from the local primary school all bombed into the water, playing with floats, fetching bricks from the bottom in their pyjamas and swimming widths, the 'sport' would work on so many extra levels. Those who qualify with the slowest times could be penalised as well, being forced to swim behind an 80-year-old swimming breaststroke really slowly. Then there's the issue of how people enter the pool. All false starts could easily be eliminated if all finalists had to enter the pool down the sort of water chutes that you graze your back on in Balearic water parks. On that theme, we may as well introduce the wave machine too. Another major problem with swimming is that it's very anti-climactic once the end is reach. How about adding an extra dimension to it, with the second placed competitor having three seconds knocked off his time if he can manage to dislodge his mate from a lilo, or scare a child by pretending to be a shark? The women's events could have a bit of extra interest added to them too - all it needs is a lifeguard by the side of the pool who can spend his whole working day distracting them by trying to chat them up, ignoring any drowning toddlers in the shallow end.