h a l f b a k e r yVeni, vedi, fish velocipede
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It will be excruciatingly expensive to restore ... |
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"The Bills ! The Bills ! " |
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If they have to restore it in accordance with modern
building regs, they're going to have problems. For a start,
all the stained glass is going to have to be double-glazed
with a decent U-value. Then there's all those uninsulated
walls, total lack of wheelchair access up the spire... It'll
take a while. |
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As far as I can tell, restoration is about the most dangerous
thing you can do to a building. Wasn't there some Scotch
building that went up in smoke whilst it was being restored
after damage from a previous fire? |
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Restoring it will be awkward, as it will never be
the original. Do you try and reproduce the original
as faithfully as you can, or do you respect its loss
and do a modern take? Both options disappoint in
their own way. |
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Somewhere there is a contractor now drinking
himself to death who may never work again. |
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We consider it a reasonably safe bet that if said contractor does actually drink himself to death, he will literally never work again. |
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Dead people have a consistently poor record of achieving agreed completion dates. |
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// A Hugo loss, to be sure. // |
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Yes, there are no Victors in this situation ... |
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// total lack of wheelchair access up the spire... // |
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The simple solution is just to get one of the bell-ringers to hump the wheelchairs up and down the stairs ... |
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//Restoring it will be awkward, as it will never be the original. Do you try and reproduce the original as faithfully as you can, or do you respect its loss// - it's a very sad loss for Paris, but this does rise a question about what is "original". For example, the spire which collapsed was a
nineteenth-century addition, so should it be replaced, and if so, should we be faithful to nineteenth-century building methods, or as this 'original' nineteenth-century spire was trying to recreate an older medieval spire, should the restoration use only medieval materials and techniques? Or should they build an unashamedly twentyfirst-century spire from glass and steel? |
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// this does rise a question about what is "original". // |
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No doubt the members of the Restoration Committee will be eating Big Dinners at someone else's expense for decades ... <link> |
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Make the structure safe but inside the shell build a ski jump
so that tourists can fly through the aperture of the rose
window and, at for the fleeting perfect zenith of their jump,
hang as if weightless over the Parisian night. |
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...before landing in the Seine (cue traditional "You're in Seine!!!" joke) |
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Maybe that's the answer then, to treat it as a slowly,
continuously evolving piece, always having some
improvement or addition requiring a portion to be
cordoned off, perhaps working at the speed of its
first 200 years of construction. People will be free to
imagine the final product. "Well, no, ma'am, it won't
be done for another 130 years, you've got to take
your time with these sorts of projects and do them
right. Whut? No, I don't know what it will look like in
the end, I just know a few of the current details...
there will be a spire over there, and a rotating
stained glass window here, yes, like that one in
Scotland..." |
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We could call it 'Our Lady of Perpetual Construction.' |
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Or we could just knock it down and build a
Starbucks there. After a short time, people will be so
angry at the blatant capitalism that they won't care
whether its replacement will be that faithful to the
original or not. |
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//...before landing in the Seine (cue traditional "You're in Seine!!!" joke)
— hippo, |
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Similar one about Cairo "You're in denial'...(waits for groans, applause...nothing) |
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//a slowly, continuously evolving piece, always having some
improvement or addition requiring a portion to be cordoned
off, perhaps working at the speed of its first 200 years of
construction//
cf. the Sagrada Familia |
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Aka the church of Beaker and his family. Once you
see Beaker's face in the center spire-thing, you can't
unsee it. |
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A modern take on creating saints for the altar could
be employed. I'm thinking saints as fractals in an
impossible curve of mini, micro, and nano-saints
standing on their shoulders. The same could be
done with the gargoyles. |
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Another thought is that all of those saints just sitting
or standing around need to be doing something.
There needs to be a marble run integrated into the
highest spires that run around the nave, activating
the sculptures in some hinged joints at their knees
and hips to do whatever it is that saints do. The
marble run could end at the altar into a giant plinko
game which replaces Friday bingo as a source of
income to keep the place going. Is it a house of
prayer? Is it a giant rolling ball sculpture? Is it a den
of robbers? Is it a Dave and Busters? |
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Interestingly, there are already signs that the restoration of the cathedral won't be a recreation of what was there before, but will be more of a modern replacement of what was lost. For example, The Guardian reports today that "The French prime minister, Edouard Philippe, has announced an international architecture competition to rebuild the spire of Notre Dame Cathedral. Philippe said the competition aimed to give “Notre Dame a spire adapted to techniques and challenges of our times.”". |
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I forgot to come here when this occurred. I always come here
when there is a global loss. I like to be among like minded
souls. Please forgive me for losing touch with my comfort
zone. I will think of something mildly interesting to say at
some point. For now, I'm still grieving. |
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// a spire adapted to techniques and challenges of our times
// could only mean one thing: Plastics. |
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France has been lagging much of the planet in recycling
much of anything, the lazy louts. Philippe might see his way
clear to harvesting all the otherwise trashed plastics in his
country (as well as the Atlantic plastic gyre) to rebuild the
spire, if not the entire destroyed portions of Notre Dame. |
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No no no. Graphene space elevator spire. It could be
a great stairway to heaven. You could send angels
up and down carrying loads destined for the lunar
colony. Could it be that the real reason we have
always stacked rocks and built spires and steeples
was because some time-traveling astronaut
programmed us to achieve a space elevator and
save our collective humanity from this lost and
doomed rock? |
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Did you remember to take your medication today, [Ray] ? You mustn't listen to the Voices when they tell you to do Bad Things ... |
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In former times, the catholic church was supposedly fairly wealthy and could have afforded the rebuild costs out if petty cash ... but now what with paying all that child support, legal fees, and compensation to the victims of all those kiddie-fiddling priests, they have to get money off the public ... |
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As to the replacement spire, why not approach SpaceX for a spare launcher ...? |
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I will certainly be submitting several proposals for
this most exciting project. At least one will involve
a substantial roof top water feature with
synchronised swimmers dressed as Quasimodo
flying through the air, illuminated with blue
strobes, search lights and lasers. |
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Maybe instead of looking up, from the inside, and seeing a self gratifying architectural and artistic point that has to be rebuilt, now try and marvel at all those far away points to be reached. |
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(wonders if their is a market for a Notre Dame
Foil barbeque?) |
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(^ [+])
---
Other options, of course : |
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- minaret (hey, France)
- all-season tennis courts
- indoor bungee jumping
- bouncy castle |
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Probably end up as high-end condos, though. Have to ream out the crypts for parking, but sacrifices must be made. |
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Are we sure this wasn't an insurance scam to pay for new
cathedral roof repairs? |
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[Skewed], always digging around for the truth, aren't you.
And well...the firemen sure did take their time getting there.
Hmmm, great conspiracy theory. |
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//great conspiracy theory// |
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I was just saying, but if you want a conspiracy theory I'll see
what I can do.. |
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"Isn't it curious how the bees on the roof managed to
survive? did someone move them before the fire? why? what
about that
crown of thorns & those stained glass windows? suspicious
that isn't it? I reckon Macron did it & it was
meant to go off as the Gilets jaunes went by at the
weekend so he could use it as propaganda against them,
useless sod can't even
set a timer right!" |
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That'd be where they stashed the windows & beehives until
they could put them back after the fire was out, mark my
words, the reports of sightings of colorful window
ornamentation & beehives seen in the cathedral garden during
the fire are only a few key strokes away. |
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[Hmm.. now where did I put that make-your-own-fake-news-
website-for-dummies manual?] |
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SCENE ONE: a SMOKE-FILLED ROOM.
The room is very dimly lit by a single central pendant incandescent lamp. The air is thick with tobacco smoke. SC is a TABLE and CHAIRS. The TABLE is
covered in coffee cups, filled ashtrays, part-used packets of Disque Bleu and Gauloise, glossy magazines
with french titles, and plates with partially-eaten croissants.
On the CHAIRS sit the CONSPIRATORS. They cannot be seen clearly because of the thick smoke and the dim lighting,
but are wearing dark uniforms. Some have luxuriant moustaches, and wear berets.
In the centre of the TABLE is a MAP OF PARIS. It is dirty, creased, and covered in pen and pencil marks. It is kept flat
by assorted items of used crockery around its perimiter.
The CONSPIRATORS speak in English, but in an outrageous parody of a french accent.
PIERRE: You're serious ? That's all we've made this month ?
JEAN: I'm sorry. Just the eight million Euro. They're all pleading poverty.
CLAUDE: (derisive snort) HAH ! Bourgeois bastards ... lying as usual ...
PIERRE: It's hardly worth being a fireman if that's all we can get.
JEAN: (Gallic shrug)
ARMAND: Well, who else has got money ?
PIERRE: What about the City Council ?
CLAUDE: No, forget it. They've spent all their contingency money dealing with the Yellow Shirts.
PIERRE: Pah !
JEAN: Is it worth torching a few hotels ?
PIERRE: You must be joking. The buggers all have smoke alarms and sprinkler systems now. We make a bit in
backhanders to issue safety certificates without actually inspecting, but it's not like the good old days.
CLAUDE: Airports ?
JEAN: No, the boys on site have that stitched up.
ARMAND: What about the churches ?
OMNES: Ahhhhh !
PIERRE: It's been a while since we tapped them, and they're rolling in it too. All those tourists !
JEAN: Their alarm systems are pretty sketchy ... too mean to pay for modern kit.
ARMAND: Is there much to burn ? There's a lot of stone in those places.
PIERRE:, Yes, but a lot of wood ... pews, roofs, all sorts of decorative stuff.
ARMAND: So, how ?
CLAUDE: Ach, s' a piece of cake. Electrical fault. Everyone knows they have ancient, dodgy wiring.
Besides, we'll be the ones running the investigation.
OMNES: (sniggering)
JEAN: So, where do we hit ?
CLAUDE: Somewhere big, somewhere high profile.
PIERRE: Sacre Coer.
ARMAND: Stuff that for a game of soldiers, all those bloody steps ? Lugging hoses up that hill ? No way.
JEAN: Yes, somewhere low down, easy access ... by the river ...
CLAUDE: Notre Dame.
OMNES: (Indrawn breath)
JEAN: Well, it's certianly ambitious ...
CLAUDE: Nice and central. World heritage too. Get a LOT of publicity ... and if we save it "just in time"
we'll be heroes.
PIERRE: Nice one, Centurion
JEAN: It won't half put the wind up the rest of 'em. A couple of weeks wandering round churces on
the pump-ladder, "Oooh, reverend, look at all this flammable stuff you've got ... go up like a bonfire,
this place ... you know, might be worth investing a few euro to ensure a prompt response ... after
all, just a bit of bad traffic, faulty hydrants, leaky pipes... and you're preaching in a building
site for the next decade. It can happen so easilly, eh ? Word to the wise ? Wink wink, nudge nudge,
say no more, eh ?"
ARMAND: (Hums tune to "Happy Days Are Here Again")
CLAUDE: SOR-TED !
(The CONSPIRATORS fist-bump and high-five one another)
PIERRE: I think that concludes this finance committee meeting, Monsieurs ...
JEAN: Anyone got a box of matches ?
OMNES: (Guffaws of laughter)
END OF SCENE ONE.
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Rebuilding in the old ways for art's sake is a good idea, but let's not pretend they're better ways because they're old. |
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