h a l f b a k e r yPoof of concept
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OBD systems in vehicles are very useful. Some have access to data on tyre pressures.
BorgCo are therefore developing an add-on system for any vehicle so equipped. The device consists of a replacement driver’s headrest incorporating a low-power mechanical actuator and an audio amplifier along with
a basic sound playback device.
The unit plugs into and is powered from the OBD port.
The software continuous monitors the tyre pressures while the vehicle is being driven, and if a low pressure is detected (below a pre-settable threshold) a small mallet* is deployed on the end of an articulated arm, which proceeds to strike the driver painfully but non-injuriously on their head, again and again, until the vehicle comes to rest.
At the same time, the audio system plays – at high volume – the message “STOP ! STOP DRIVING NOW, YOU STUPID <female bovine> ! Are you DEAF ? Can’t you hear the thumping noise ? Just PULL OVER ! Is there so much <adipose tissue> in your <large posterior> that you can’t feel the rim grinding on the road ? Have you ANY idea of how much damage you’re doing ? And you’re going to expect someone to come out and change the wheel for you, aren’t you ? On a horrible rainy night, someone is going to have to grovel in the gutter, and then later someone – guess who – is going to have to pay out for not only a new tyre, but a new rim. Again.”
The recording then lapses into a loop of resentful bitter mumbling.
*The mallet as initially supplied has a domed head, and is made of either lightweight wood, or medium density rubber. BorgCo are not responsible if at any point the mallet is exchanged for a less victim-friendly format, such as a welding-slag chipping hammer, or an icepeick.
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Is it that no-one has taught your significant other about all
these "issues" (tyres, light switches, etc...), or just that she
doesn't want to learn? |
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An interesting question, and one for which no definitive answer is yet available. |
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It is clear that leaning about "man stuff" is both possible and very rapid where there is some immediate perceived personal advantage; yet conversely, marked reluctance when the learning would be pre-emptive, and worse, place the learner at mild risk of actually having to do something for themselves. |
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// Got called out on a rainy night to fix it for her? // |
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Lucky guess, eh ? <resentful bitter mumbling/> |
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It wouldn't be so bad if it were the first time ... |
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// Take away her keys, couldn't you? // |
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Nothing could be simpler. Of course, it would be necessary to be available 24/7 to do the driving, or alternatively hire a chauffeur, or pay exorbitant fees for limo hire (options 2 and 3 would actually be favoured over a self-drive vehicle, unfortunately) in order to operate as a "hush kit" for the continuous JT-8D style high volume, high pitched whining ... |
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It's certainly not easy for us... |
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// interpersonal relationships between humans are trickier. // |
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Thanks for that, do you have any other profound insights to share with the class ? |
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Do you at least have some chewing gum, or mints to share ? |
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Wait. Other humans live with the Borg? Are they
being held against their will behind a forcefield wall? |
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This device could also seeve to provide a quieter
version of that bass note that lower beings
frequently feel they need to share with the
surrounding 3 blocks. |
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// Are they being held against their will behind a forcefield wall? // |
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No, but you'd never know, given their attitude. Free to leave any time ... as long as they take all their clutter with them, particularly all those wretched aquaria. And are prepared to actually work for a living rather than pretending. And do some basic things for themselves ... |
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And return our pistol crossbow. <resentful bitter mumbling/> |
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More "failure to acknowledge that being an adult has responsibilities as well as rights". |
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Why did No Country for Old Men spring to mind? |
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Or the right ones. It depends in the outcome desired ; a tasty, nourishing meal, or wild psychedelic delirium. |
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The two are of course not mutually exclusive. |
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