Nielsen Ratings Infiltration

Now, I'm going to write all this down, and if it sounds too much like a "we should all" idea, tell me.

The Nielsen Media Research Center basically pays people to watch TV, and then draws statistics from what they watch, what ethnicity they are, for how long they watch TV, and at what times. These ratings are key to many television advertising strategies. NMRC monitors the subjects' TV habits by either using a device commonly called a Nielson Box, which is attached to the subjects’ television, or by having them keep diaries of what they watch.

As I have seen, that Nielson stuff just isn't cutting it for me. "Arrested Development" is canceled, "Stacked" is still around for some goddamned reason, and I can never find time for "Keeping Up Appearances" anymore. I rarely watch TV because half of it is pure drivel or a cheap 80's movie that I never liked.

So I've decided to form an elite group of Nielson spies dedicated to keeping me happily entertained at convenient times. Members will apply on-line to score a Nielson box/diary, and then watch what I tell them to at specific times/ write down what I tell them to. I shall need no less than 500 members willing to participate, as not all of them will get in immediately.

Once the Nielson Ratings are mine, I can not only control what goes on American television, I can use this power to coax money from advertising companies. If they pay enough, I just might tell my varied minions to watch their timeslots, boosting their ratings and increasing stock holder faith in the company, in turn increasing their company stock value as more stocks are sold.

I will keep my minions loyal by paying them $7 an hour or $30 per diary in addition to the money Nielson Media Research Center gives them for their "services," and possibly by forming a cult around it all. This will be expensive at first, but the extortion money will more than make up for it in the long run.